It was a day of various feelings. Parts of today were really hard. Feeling ill in mind, feeling trapped, disconnected from truth or reality or who I am - the good things, anyway. Feeling anxious and despairing, angry, numb, stuck, useless, compulsive, edgy. Like a little thing might send me into tears, or out the door. If someone had handed me a telephone. If I had suddenly been required to go somewhere.
Reading defined my day. It gave me a focus, a goal, a reason to be alone today, which I desperately needed. I did help some in the kitchen. I'm glad it was just us. For a sour period I wished away holidays, "Always like this": passive-aggressive comments, too much unnecessary work, too many dirty dishes, overeating, insecurity about weight or disapproval of gluttony, knives scraping plates, and unpleasant noises and odors for days. I was bothered that the Cowboys played the Redskins today. And that the episodes of Little Rascals we watched were not PC - some laughs at the expense of black or overweight people. Do we boycott these things? Censor them? Watch them, but with vocal criticism? If I wouldn't want my friends to watch it, should I?
Don't let me get comfortable, Lord. Please. And don't stop telling me You love me. Thanks for helping me reach out tonight, find a safe way to describe what I'm going through, have Mom and Dad pray for me. I craved that. I miss that. We all need Your life. Please keep giving Your life. Help me take it slow, focus, and hold on to truth. Help me to trust You. Help me to pray for others.
Miserere mei, Deus.
Reading defined my day. It gave me a focus, a goal, a reason to be alone today, which I desperately needed. I did help some in the kitchen. I'm glad it was just us. For a sour period I wished away holidays, "Always like this": passive-aggressive comments, too much unnecessary work, too many dirty dishes, overeating, insecurity about weight or disapproval of gluttony, knives scraping plates, and unpleasant noises and odors for days. I was bothered that the Cowboys played the Redskins today. And that the episodes of Little Rascals we watched were not PC - some laughs at the expense of black or overweight people. Do we boycott these things? Censor them? Watch them, but with vocal criticism? If I wouldn't want my friends to watch it, should I?
Don't let me get comfortable, Lord. Please. And don't stop telling me You love me. Thanks for helping me reach out tonight, find a safe way to describe what I'm going through, have Mom and Dad pray for me. I craved that. I miss that. We all need Your life. Please keep giving Your life. Help me take it slow, focus, and hold on to truth. Help me to trust You. Help me to pray for others.
Miserere mei, Deus.
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