I Want to Know My Own Strength, April 18

I want to know my own strength. Perhaps
it is very small. But I want to know it.
God, I want to feel Your flames lick around
my living. I want to burn on Your altar. 

Dayenu, April 16

Dayenu, it would have sufficed us. If You had not killed the first-born.
Lord, help me understand Your holiness and Your justice. Surely the one who gave the heart the ability to love and forgive, the capacity for generosity and compassion, will be more tenderly and more powerfully merciful than we can comprehend. 

Blackberry Jam, April 14

Yesterday our eucharist was three peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
made with P's last jar of blackberry jam from the farm.
Mom started crying when P gave it to her. 

Carrying Feathers, April 12

Help me carry my friends
as a bird carries its feathers.

Traveling Mercies, April 12

What a rich life I lead.
Traveling, painting, reading, eating (mostly) well, seeing beautiful things and enjoying lovely people. Ugh, but I'm full of fears.
God, remind me that You've got this. That You're not about to drop me, like I dropped my pants yesterday when I thought I felt a big spider dart along my leg. It was so convincing, a quick ticklish movement. But it was a knot of loose thread in the inner leg that slid down my thigh as I was reading. 

My Farmhouse, April 6

Oh Lord. Please give me Your peace.
I'm not ready for the cogs of travel to chew me up just yet. I am too easily fractured by worry and anxiety. And I want to know how to claim Your order and harmony and shalom over every aspect of my life, of this day. Not that it will be perfect, but that I will be closer to You in it, fully Yours, fully used by You for Your purposes. Make use of my feeble life, to bring people to Jesus.

Quench my thirst in Yourself, only. Keep me dissatisfied with anything less than you. And help me pray, and care well for what You've given me, and LOVE well.
I still picture that farmhouse, that little, white-walled, sun-filled, peaceful, flourishing place, as the epitome of home-peace. You are my farmhouse. You are every person in it, and my chores, my lamb, and the strength in my arms.
Dress me in muslin. Kiss me. 

Skazka Morosko, April 2

"Are you cold?"

It is better in life to accept and be content than rant and complain about your lot. The treasures of the patient, meek, forbearing will not melt.
Lord, help us to be honest, especially with You, about our feelings - but prevent us from falling into grumbling and bitterness.

Even You admitted, "I thirst."

Live Wire, April 1

I'm sick of these twisted romances. I want You, Jesus, and I want to love You. Forgive my heart its spurious affections. Make a fusion of us. Show me how to seek You, and how to meditate on Your law, and how to delight in You.
Fill me to the brim with Your romance, which is really all around me.
Cleanse me and protect me from unfaithfulness. 

Thankful Thursday

It seems fitting to take part in Thankful Thursday with my friend Allison, since we're visiting together this week. :)

I'm thankful for...

Birdsong
Lots of sleep
Back massages
Honest conversations
Riding in the backseat of a car with the windows down (and going so fast that my earrings dance against my neck and tears trickle back to my earlobes)
Tall trees
Rainbow trout
Goofy sibling antics
Peaceful afternoons
Several dozen chocolate chip cookies
Countless written resources at my disposal
Cold pizza
Mail
Chaim Potok
The Artist's Way
God, who doesn't give up on me
Prayer
Not sneezing
Mismatched china
Trust
Getting old(er)
Growth

The Sun is a Peach, March 23

The sun is a peach. The sun in a lion on the front lawn.
The sun is a man with a laughing heart
                            a screaming heart
            a heart of spun sugar.
A heart like a lightbulb
a heart
where his brain should be. 

Maple Syrup, March 22

I asked what he would charge,
and he said,
"A smile and a sunny disposition."
Mom said, "A song!"
And so I sang "Dear Theodosia"
to pay for maple syrup for my french toast.
And my parents sat with me, although they had eaten,
and talked about how much
they had wanted a little girl. 

Panic, March 22

I've been in bed over an hour, but I just had a sensation like fear, of desperation for Jesus. Like I hadn't fully addressed Him at all before. It came so quickly, shockingly, like the clang of a bell, like calamity. It almost feels like a panic attack - like I need to run, or sob hysterically, or shake something vigorously out of my chest. It's not endearing. 

Spiritual Warfare ~ Seeing Germs, March 21

I have such a struggle, Lord. Between common sense and faith that You honor the plans of those who commit themselves to You. Between active concern, and curiosity to see, will the world actually work differently for you? As if she sees germs. Or the cosmic dance.
But there was even part of me, I discovered, that wanted to see her put in her place. Wanted confirmation that her agony was unnecessary. It would be some kind of liberation for me, permission to keep living at my "comfortable" level of "spirituality", and not feel compelled to acknowledge or operate within such an intense level of spiritual warfare.
This is a humiliating and condemning thing to admit.
I was tempted to rein in credulity. I did, I still do. We are not so in-tune with You that we can know Your purposes in all things, and call all things by their right names. So help us.
Purify my heart.
Give me love.
Help me pray.
Intercede on our behalf. 

Neighborhood Walk, March 20

I took a walk with Mama. I was barefoot, which I love, but which does look peculiar in a coat, and while there is snow on the ground.
It is also less comfortable when you can't walk in the grass.
I need to figure out when my liberties become trespasses.

Ah, the lovely punctuation of horses' hooves. A buggy just passed. The combination of whirring wheels and sharp clops reminds me of bagpipes. 

Teacup, March 20

Mom thought it was mine, I thought it was hers, Dad broke it, and no one is heartbroken. 

I Said in Dreams, March 19

"Do you know that He loves you? That's half - no, more than half - the equation."

Nuns, March 18

I've been thinking about how I've had this interest in nuns for years.
And somehow I'd forgotten that Marie Dominique looked at me and thought, "Nun". That she wanted me to see that option, to go to vespers and to watch the ceremony for the young woman at Buon Gesu.

Lord, I don't want to be a nun, officially. But I want my life to be one of devotion and intention, of passionate and spousal love for You. These are things You can grow in me. I have not felt very hopeful or zealous about them lately. There are too many ghosts of other things and people. But keep my eyes on You, on Your face, and help me turn toward the dream You have planted in me.

Today is a good day to write letters. And to sing around the house. And choose a few small tasks for my attention. Flood me with Your grace, because I'm going to fail. Use me as a blessing. Let's keep talking.

Lioness, March 18

I fall back into fear again and again.
But I'm thankful for the courage You give me. Yesterday, when B suggested we meet close to home, I was awash with relief, but also felt cowardly and flat.
In the end, I'm glad You helped me desire the challenge and offer the farther option (with trepidation, but willingly).
That is what You do. You turn me into a lioness. 

5 Things I Am Not Allowed to Do

1. Watch bad movies
2. Jump upstairs
3. Scrub the printing off the Henckel knife
4. Put food down the drain
5. Elope

Spring Green

I am the color of growth, hope, purity, freshness, vitality, and nourishment.
I am resilient and tender.
I am calming and invigorating.
I am edible and medicinal, I am transparent
and transformative.

Turtle, March 17

I'm like a turtle You're asking to leave its shell.
Or it could be You're just asking me to move, but I always fear the worst.

Hunt Good, March 16

Please show me what I should do today. I don't want to be held back from anything out of fear or laziness or a small mind. Keep me open to Your possibilities, trusting You. Please provide for my needs. Please help me live in Your mercy and grace, and extend it freely.
Help me to eschew evil and hunt good like one in love. Give me love. That is what I want. And virtue. Fill me with the fruit of the Spirit.

Possible, March 14

It is not for us to say what is possible and what impossible.
Prove to us again that Your power, the power that raised Jesus from the dead, is still at work.

I feel as if this day is already doomed to mediocrity. Please change that. I can come to You, and give You my heart, give You all I am, have, do, and suffer (as E.E. said), and welcome in the life You will give me today. Keep me surrendering. And help me to know if there is something I should be doing differently.
One thing is decided: take my full attention. I squirm to ask that. But I'll be satisfied with nothing else. And if I really believe You, You are the only thing worth looking at, knowing, and believing in the whole of existence. So please draw me deeper. Be gentle, but don't stop. Renew my life, my spirit, my resolve. Fill me with Your love. Prepare me for whatever life holds next. Help me to be grateful.