Wednesday, November 8, 2017

You, Yourself, October 27

Remind me that You finish what You start. You do no thing in halves.
Help me to trust my safety with You. Right now I feel, at least partially, like You're going to ask me to do things I don't want to do, become someone I don't want to be. Clear away the lies. Remind me that everything that has even given me delight has come from You. And that You, Yourself, are my desire.

Chanticleer, October 25

I'm so full of things I want to understand.
Why I have this gross heartburn, for instance. Why my car is running rough. Why I feel the way I do about my work, and about my future.
I'm inconsistent. I've been letting a lot drop.
But all is not lost.

Chanticleer was so delicious today. And the "soaking" wandering we did for the first 90 minutes was glorious. I nuzzled basil, touched a carp on the forehead (who had just gaped at my finger as if to swallow it), read Jane Eyre on a stone chair, watched chipmunks and a slug and 2 (mating? fighting?) dragonflies. Avoided the gossamer yardage of a spider's web only to blunder into it later, bringing a sassafras leaf to Mom.

I loved wandering alone, letting everything come to me as it would. 

It is Acceptable, October 22

Please redirect all this longing and purpose-hunting in me.
Please help me to keep all these things on the altar. To shout with joy and fall facedown as I see You flame out and consume my offering.
It is acceptable to You. And I am filthy.
Here we are: do I see You blazing in holiness on my behalf? And offering Your love, Your body, Your inheritance? You are a true husband to me.
Let me be Your wife. 

Keep Keeping it Simple, October 16

Did I do anything that mattered?
Do I think I MUST?
Here we are again.

I'm full of fears. Contradictions and fears. I need to keep painting even when I don't know what's going to happen. I need You. I am not in a good place mentally/emotionally/spiritually. I can tell, because I wouldn't do well in a hospital. Or 10 pounds heavier. Or giving up a day. I'm filling up my mind with distractions. So show me what I'm avoiding.
Teach me love for those right around me, who are easiest to overlook and judge. Help me pray. Purify the thoughts and intentions of my heart. Help me keep keeping it simple. 

Warm Rough Gentle, October 12

Give me Yourself.
I will never be satisfied otherwise. And nothing and no one can save me.
I could shriek. Hold my face in those warm rough gentle hands of Yours,
and look at me steady. 

You Can Be Too Careful, October 12

You CAN be too careful, I believe. Like the priest and the Levite. Like the Pharisees. Like David counting his fighting men. Sometimes faith is getting messy when you really don't know the outcome, just respond from love.

Hem me in. Remind me that even in my doubts You love and want me. Don't let me fall for this lie:
"Since I've doubted and struggled, 'even if' He is there He won't want me. I'll be a traitor, out of favor."
Remind me again of Your favor. 

Young Love, October 11

Give me a greater capacity for loving, the love that is not all fireworks and giddiness, but conscious self-giving and seeing and embracing the other, honoring and serving and respecting.

Sometimes "young" love seems so very boring to me. What has the person known and suffered? Who are they? What are their dreams, yes - but what are their sacrifices? I want to be willing to sink in my own thoughts.
To have You exalted.
"You tell me I will write poems about myself..."