Sunday, January 13, 2019

Haiku for Courage, December 28 2018

Why does my car smell
like catfood and bravery?
Nerves and bread and rain.

Horses, December 26 2018

I bought a calendar of horses. I surprised myself. They caught my interest more than flowers, the sea, puppies and kittens, etc.

Beauty. Freedom. Spirit. Sensitivity. Connection to the earth.
I really might come to love horses. Loads of people I love, love horses.
Horses scared me and felt cliche at the same time, for a while. I think I just need to befriend an amazing horse. 

Did I Make You Cry on Christmas Day? December 25 2018

I didn't sleep super well, but I got up before my alarm. We opened stockings and ate cornbread, I helped Dad peel apples, and it felt blissful until it felt snippy and passive-aggressive in the kitchen.
I painted, and maybe finished.

Please help everyone to be extra gentle and kind today. I think we're upset in part because we're trying to bless and impress each other, striving for perfection, and that sure doesn't make everybody happy and serene.

Here I am, needing to be Mary again. Help me to look at You and love You first, so I won't be touchy. Please make this home a safe haven. Make my heart a safe haven.

Title: Sufjan Stevens

Bada Bing, Bada Boom, December 24 2018

Let's write ridiculous words. Bugaboo. Toodle-oo. Rutabaga. Trombone. Dunderhead. Kalamazoo. Billabong. Curmudgeon. Hoopla. Incorrigible. Cumberbatch. Cummerbund. Hootenanny. Kerfuffle. Flutternutter. Bada bing, bada boom. 

A Trick, December 22 2018

I painted more on J & A's portrait today. I guess it was progress, but they look pretty bad. So I'm letting it rest. I feel like beating myself up for painting so long, or at all, today. I tried to convince myself it would be 30 minutes. It was, of course, about 2 hours. Is this a good trick or a dirty low down trick? Is it important to trust myself? Do I need to make rules and keep them, or is this more about permission?
The first son said to his father, "I will not", but later he went and worked in his field. The second son said, "I will go", but didn't. Which son did the will of his father?

To tell. them. Truth., December 22 2018

It gives me a sense of wellbeing to see all the fat squirrels in the yard.
They are ready. They've been fed.

But, God,
the E's must be devastated right now. Please please please hold them. Speak through something, everything, to tell. them. Truth. Don't let Satan turn this into a vortex. Pour in Your blood. Pour in healing. Pour in forgiveness, desperation, hope, comfort, peace. Communion with You. Connection with others. Speak the Gospel here. Redeem, please, Lord Jesus.
Thank You for counting the hairs on our heads. For not letting anything slip. Don't let me become small and tight and fake. Please keep bringing me back to the REAL. To You on silky black nights, back roads and watery reflections.
The breathless proximity to death. The breathless proximity to heaven.
I glimpsed the moon tonight. It is almost full. Fill my mouth. Fill me.
Squeeze me. 

And Ellipses, December 17 2018

Please, Lord, don't let me get so wrapped up in my own performance.
Let me be present.

Oh, the puns are killing me.

Oh, the hyperbole hurts.
Oh, the alliteration aches.
Oh, I better stop here,
because I could go on and on, and ellipses...