Temple

For the last time,
believe me or believe my hands
stretched up out
of habit.
Take

for granted, take me
at my word,
that I mean as
genu
ine this
     reflection of sin
these cupped hands
or these closed eyes leaking
water.

These legs too
are folded like white
napkins.

Number my head and
                    nail me
and keep what you find.

Valerian

rosemary bought us a riverbed
              (all my gold)
we wore nightgowns
in the rafters

circled our heads
          left circles
circle
a circle wants to be perfect.

there is nothing lovelier than your arm
            (i shall see more)
   and the terror
of your eyes.

Hat

They say you can't sin in dreams.

I say I've tried.
And same thing happens,


I learned the best way possible
how shame
becomes
grateful for being caught.

Gentle

At times like this there is nothing I can offer you
but my silence and attention.

If you knew
how much I wish my voice
was softer
or my movements
like the mare's neck
like swans

you'd see both
honey and dung
in my eyes

the hope of refinement.

Because gentle is not proud, but good
and worth having.
And worth giving to one
who waits so patient
with hands folded.

Sibling

When I stand in the corner, and you stand across from me,
I am delighted like a pillow fight
and almost ready

to bite you hard or roar
a little

and prove I am still older
(though you are stronger).

Her Speech

Your words are like raindrops collected

sliding leaf to leaf and lastly

              dropping

into water

leaving

ripples.

Her Mother

There is a thin rim
of blue
around
your eyes,
their blackness two
round spoons
molasses
skin like olive wood.

There are not words
there is no hand small
enough to curl around
your hair and find
each one
perfect

like flakes
like butterflies' tongues.

Lines from the months of this last year: November & December

 November


1.
How do we handle what seems like a waste? What kind of waste is this?
What kind of gift?


2.
A Sabbath, because I want to be open to anything. To wave my arms in windmills, with others.
This is not how small I feel. And I asked to be small.
But I'd like to be more immediate, more absolute.
These are the same dreams planted in me as a child. Farmer Artist Ballerina. Why do we want to be such beautiful things?

Why am I so incapable of repaying?

"But since we belong to the day,
let us be self-controlled,
putting on faith and love as a breastplate,
and the hope of salvation
as a helmet."
- I Thessalonians 5:8 NIV


12.
Painting. Painting daringly.

She wrote "love" on my grocery list.


14/15.
Your name is on His hands.
It's not enough: in His blood.


16.
All I want is You.
Into Great Silence.
What am I headed toward?
Where am I going?

The tree lights. The kindred.


21.
Make my heart sound, and wholly Yours. Protect me from temptation and give me the guts to flee it.

Swallow me.


22.
Perfect things. Things partial but falling into place.

I want to be Your friend.
           I write things in blood when I can.
I have a stack of letters wrapped in lace.

If I can't go into this with You, it's pointless - if I can't love You first, hear You, respond wholeheartedly. Honor me, honor me, You said. With the first fruits.


26.
"To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb
be praise and honor and glory and power,
for ever and ever!"
-Revelation 5:13b NIV

All is well.


29.
Thank You for loving us in our folly.
Smooth over the strange things.
Things we did as beastly kids.
Lord, forgive us our sins. Help us truly repent.

Cherubim and seraphim.
Eternal Yes.


30.
Words are too important.



-



December


4.
Jesus,
That today, even with my painful vacillations,
fluttering lungs, and wounds, I got
the feeling that
       All this loving leads to more Love.
                And pain is "vitamins."*

He lost paintings to a flood.
And I am not the coolest.
There's the ugly. I'm jealous. Now the stupid is out.
Jesus, put the truth back in place.

*(thanks, Todd Komarnicki)


6/7.
"High five for having great faces."


8.
Please do guide our tomorrow, my Sabbath. Make it a true one, justice and mercy and attention. Bless Your Name, Jesus, for always giving what is needed.
Thank You for what You did three years ago.


10.
And let me love You for Your face.


11.
What I'd like for Christmas is clarity. Holy simplicity. Trust.
Order and beauty with a touch of the daily, like my room across from me, clothes laid out (texture, pattern, browns, grays, deep green and blue). Two red pears.
A ceramic bird. Her pencil holder and baseball bat for her grandmother and Washington. The bouquet of greenery and berries in a maple syrup jar. My alto recorder peeping out from my backpack.
You speaking at just the right time, giving me just what I need.


13.
Silliness. Cynicism, or not.

You held my hands this early morning. That's a mystery. Right to right and left to left, but You were behind me.


14.
Thank You for You, Your people. Blend us.


15.
Show Yourself.


17.
Empower, impassion, em-peace us.
Ready me for whatever is ahead. For love.
Wear down my pride. Fiercely, gently.
Mostly, let me love You.


19.
"Take only ways that are firm."
-Proverbs 4:26b NIV


21.
I am surrounded by love.

Nothing is good unless you give it your attention.

Obedience makes you safe everywhere, no matter how dangerous.
Disobedience makes you safe nowhere.


23.
He came home, looking all solid and blue-eyed and cinnamon bearded.

The sunset, Dad sawing branches, me running barefoot to the catalpa.

Build us into spacious places. Pure temples.


25.
I am not comfortable saying this,
but if following You means giving up all this,
my life, my family,
home's comforts,
then take them. I give them to You.
My health, my talents, everything.
I trust You to use me.
I trust You.

You stand at the door and knock.
You could be so much more to me than I let You be.

Thank You that I do feel I could let this go...


29.
Baby Jesus got a Monster Truck. John the Baptist baptized me with gold. Prepared me for my wedding.
We ate lettuce and pretzels.

I am an introvert. But I'm seen. And it's OK that I'm not effervescent.

"Whoever isolates himself
seeks his own desire;
he breaks out against all sound judgement."
-Proverbs 18:1 ESV

It's not for nothing, our history. You are faithful.
You save all my drawings.

"A man of many companions
may come to ruin,
but there is a friend who sticks
closer than a brother."
-Proverbs 18:24 NIV


30.
Dreamt of looking for Wendell Berry books in the library.

Make me a gardener. Make things grow, old and new.
Annuals and perennials.

Lines from the months of this last year: September & October

September

1.
Woodsing. Finally back to the cairn, the lean-to.

Swinging was glory.


4.
They are the same in You - the telling and the meaning.


6.
Asked God, "I know Jesus loves me, but please show me You love me." Immediately I heard a soft but intent knocking on the door. I called out thickly, "Coming!" and struggled into wakefulness with a sense of duty, urgency. Lay with my eyes open, listening to hear the knock again, and testing/tasting my tongue to discover if I'd really spoken.
All was quiet. My mouth felt sleepy. So! I thought. You still wake me up at the oddest hours. In the dark I remembered that the verses I'd posted across were all about God's care for us.


15.
You.

I remember walking to Bolsena, how I felt all the filth of my own heaviness, and yet the terrible joy and freedom of being Yours. Of loving my legs. Of feeling that I could please and delight You. And the people, all the weight I carried, all the burdens of guilt for not doing enough to love, support...You carried that. They were in me, but not on my shoulders anymore. You carried them, and You carried them within me. And there was light, and air, and room. We could go somewhere.

Those moments of feeling so miserable, so out of place. Unnamed. And then Named again... What does our world need, and what will I name my children?
Kyrie.
What did I see? Healer. Transparency.
Affection. Humility. Care. Kindness.
Respect. Glue. Zeal. Servant. Acceptor.
Jealousy. Insecurity. Pride. Judgement. Isolation.
Mockery. Superiority. Gossip. Aloofness.
Bitterness. Impatience. Selfishness. Entitlement.
Cleanse me of these.

We, our names, are prophecies.


-


October


1.
We became Shoshone sisters.

Let it be said,
let it be known,
that I was nothing but Yours.


9.
Jesus, I need Your love. I'm shattered with images, with needs.


12.
The fiddles says,

you will wake up strong
        sun will come through the slats
    red leaves will fall
          you will turn with arms raised.


18.
I thought to myself,
"What's the point of life if I can't do something beautiful?
That's not right. When you were a child your smile lit up the room,
and you weren't even trying."

"To know one person who is positively to be trusted, will do more for a man's moral nature - yes, for his spiritual nature - than all the sermons he has ever heard or ever can hear."
- George MacDonald, "Malcolm," 329


20.
Such a good day. Quiet, foggy, rested in and out.

I have nothing new or original to say. But just take me.


26.
Lord, I'm remembering, realizing more and more, that the VERY BEST thing I can do is be close to You. Read Your Word. Believe it. Act on it. Pray. Rest.

"Come, let us return to the LORD.
He has torn us to pieces
but he will heal us;
he has injured us
but he will bind up our wounds.
After two days he will revive us,
that we may live in his presence.
Let us acknowledge the LORD;
let us press on to acknowledge him.
As surely as the sun rises,
he will appear;
he will come to us like the winter rains,
like the spring rains that water the earth."
-Hosea 6:1-3 NIV


29.
David pouring the water.

Lines from the months of this last year: August

1.
Help me find that greater confidence that rests solely on You, without any need for me to feel at all "together."


2.
My mind, too, must love You.


3.
Thank You for protecting me while I feel so vulnerable. While I don't relish food, music, or anything really, but just need You. Thank You for allowing me, even so, to keep working. Songs are returning.


5.
It is so windy tonight. I went out and knelt on the stone.

Thank You for leading us to good places.

Your lovely arms.


6.
"...A certain unselfish confidence which is the mother of dignity."
-George MacDonald, "Malcolm," 73

"The worst of foolish laws is, that when the insurgent spirit casts them off, it is but too ready to cast away with them the genial self-restraint which these fretting trammels have smothered beneath them."
-Ibid., 74


9.
I don't want to live with an imaginary boss behind my back.


12.
What a refreshing feeling: not a cent in my pocket.


14.
I absent-mindedly put vanilla yogurt in the chili tonight.


16.
We had a good day. It helps to say it.


17.
The way memories lurk and appear.


19.
The best part of the morning was You, Jesus.


21.
So good to see them looking so alive and beautiful. She took my face in her hands and said it was good to see it.

He said something to the girls about being barefoot. I defended,
"But I'm barefoot!"
"Well," he said, "you're different."


24.
I was silly and ordered chocolate milk, of all things.
The check came in a music box.

Help me not miss anything You want me to know, to do, to love.

Something good is happening when your children love each other.


29.
She made faces across the room at me during the meeting.

Lines from the months of this last year: July

4.
The Fourth of July. July. July, July.
We've been cooking up a storm.


8.
I think he understands loneliness better now than he probably ever has before.

Praise You, Jesus, because You are to be fully trusted, and You bless us. Give me a heart and hands willing to do and to give whatever You ask.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free."
-Galations 5:1a NIV


11.
I told her, and I think it's true, that God is planning something, has something in store, is preparing me. I don't know when, and don't feel particularly impatient. Just more and more confident in Him, His plan, His goodness.

Moses' law. Isis' temple. Bale's act. Charles's belt. Jesus' love.


12.
Releasing a tiny bee from a closed lily.

Confessing this morning.
"I trust you completely."

A towel. Birds nesting. An owl last night.
The sermon, music. Suffering loosens us from the grasp of the flesh.

"You'll know she is true if she will say, 'the King is my father.'"


16.
Please help me not to be anxious or feathery or frozen, but to be fully alive. Brave in the face of my own self, loneliness and fears of not being what I should be.
Just help me be.


26.
The next week and a half could be so beautiful. One of the turning points of my life. Or terrible, frightful, wasted.
Let it shine, pulse, laugh with utter You. I give You all of me as a sacrifice.


29.
I didn't expect You to be so beautiful.

The last few days have been overcast, even thick with fog.
I could taste it as I ran.

What I really want is a woman's heart.
And I have an urge to be a girl again, to see a greatness and nobleness in mundane things, because I am so far from being able to do them... knead bread. Sail. Go to college. Answer phones professionally. Comfort babies.

In enforced idleness we are still useful to You.

I've held the cross, the cross that Amy held.
In this sign, conquer.
Oh, Lord, enlarge my heart. These fearful nights remind me. I am surrounded.

Leap
into the midst of growing things. Let your arms become branches.
Swing from vines, sing
with the rub of bark
against your skin, the drum
of rain, and swim into
churning.
Insolvent,
dissolve into that other element, the sky.

Help him realize how urgently there You are.


31.
"I've seen the greatest light..."
-The Innocence Mission, "July"

Lines from the months of this last year: June

June

2.
"Who
      KEEPS
                    HIS
                             OATH

EVEN WHEN IT HURTS."

-Psalm 15:4b NIV


3.
"I can believe in a lot of things at this time of evening."

"You'd better walk fast through here."

"There is nothing but air between us."

"Haste denies all acts their dignity."
-Dante Alighieri, "Purgatorio," III.II


4.
Today was a funny holiday. Fireworks. A Procession. Antique Fiats.


4/5.
Che fai di bello?

I saw the full moon, and a hedgehog.
Longing to give, give, give. I hold on too tightly.

Ascolta ce, O Signore.


6.
"Let you gentleness be evident to all."
-Philippians 4:5a NIV


8.
Help us cry when appropriate.


10.
"This is my blood."
-Matthew 26:28a NIV

Corpus Domini.
O Lord Jesus, show us Yourself. Give us each signs, signs we will understand.
Names of our own.
The new nun.
This body is Yours.

"For he himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier..."
-Ephesians 2:14 NIV

I want Your heart. I want to eat You, breathe You, become You. Break down the barrier. Move me now for my whole life. Heal me more.


18.
Yesterday was my first real day at home. The potatoes tasted a bit like gasoline.

I took a three hour nap. Mom woke me ask what kind of noodles I wanted, but I thought it was 7AM, and was really confused as to why Mom was waking me up so early, why she was asking me about noodles, and why I was lying on top of my bed instead of under the covers. I told her, "Whatever you have more of."

Some rose petals from Corpus Domini just fell out of my journal. I'd forgotten.

Home is so beautiful. So green and thick, less delicate than Italy,
but more reliable.
I want to get rid of things.

I'm feeling a little like I did when I was choosing colleges. Somewhat nauseous. Very tired, not wanting to talk, wanting to close up and escape.
Feeling like I'm not in favor.
I want to rest and be and process, but even that seems too big to me right now. Yet I must not forget.

Things come to me in dreams, colorful dreams like game shows, full of people.
Something crawls out when I find that I can spend hours copying recipes, but don't want books or movies. When I begin heaving and almost wailing when touched. I felt the strangest sort of pity for myself as I felt my laughter turning into wretched sounds.

Jesus. Wings, and so she ran.

"So she ran..."
-John 20:2a NASB


21.
It amazes me how quickly I vacillate between contentment and discontentment.
Help me create, fervently. Help me love. Love well, deeply, without pride, without judgement. Without belittling.


22.
"Do not fear the reproach of men
or be terrified by their insults."
-Isaiah 51:7b NIV

I can rely on You as much now as I ever have.


29.
Lord, help me be fearsomely, beautifully, healingly pure. By You. And Joyous.

"Both the wisdom and the strength will always be given, in perfect measure, when the time comes, if we take up quietly and faithfully the duties of today. Let us not make the mistake of directing our energies toward what is not today's business. The best preparation for the future is always the conscientious carrying out of what is given us today."
-Elisabeth Elliot, "Quest for Love," 155

"A strong spiritual principle is to pray through things, think about them in the presence of God, and stick with the decision. Did God hear your prayer? Do you believe He wants you to do His will? Then, 'don't dig up in doubt what you planted in faith.'"
-Ibid., 156

Lines from the months of this last year: May

May

5.
We were the only ones there, and chose a spot behind a park bench that overlooked the valley to the south. It was beginning to dusk, and the trees in the park were shady with full and fresh green leaves, but the sky was still clear and warm.
It was one of the happiest picnics I’ve ever had, under those trees, looking out over the valley and hills beyond. The full moon began to rise right in front of us, from behind a distant electric tower. At first it was so faint we asked each other if it was truly the moon. But it rose, and began to glow as the sky turned a duskier blue, and we grew silent every few moments, gazing at it, watching it rise. [He] laughed at us for our childlike delight. But we all loved it. We laughed, and shared food, and talked. And then [she] unveiled the shortbread cookies, peeling the aluminum foil, on which I’d spontaneously scrawled “LOVE,” from the plate. We ate them all...
We finished the wine.

[She] and I talked before I turned out the light, and laughed because both of our stomachs were making noises.

It is Sunday morning now, and raining softly. I’ll be going to Mass within the hour.

Praise Jesus.

11.

Help us wake with singing.

13 - 15.

Her hair, braided, reaches to the crease behind her knees.

Standing there smiling love at me and not even able 

to pretend to say bad things about me. They just melted. 

I didn't know I could be loved that way. It gave me life.

Adam and Eve weren't cultural.

Forgive me watching my hands. Forgive my foolishness.

I'm not sure what my response should be. It's harmless, but it's not harmless. 

It's really not harmless.

Jesus, I want to stay up with You. Help me sleep in You. I am Yours. 

That is a lovely thing, and it contents me.

17/18.

She mentioned at lunch how, the first time she saw me, she thought, "the monastery!" And how yesterday she wondered while we were shut out of Vespers whether it was God or Satan, trying to keep me from becoming a nun. 

Then she said not to take that seriously. It was just her imagination.
But of course I'm thinking about it.

The gnome-wife, lucky penny, fairy godmother, owl, badger, St. Bernard.

18.

"Those who use the things of this world, as if not engrossed in them."

- 1 Corinthians 7:31

Things of the world used loosely, lightly, lovingly.

Make me not a caricature of myself.

Groan for me.

21/22.

I am safe in Your cocoon. You are teaching me to trust You. I am in a good place.

22.

I need You. I cannot forget, cannot ignore. Only need You, desire goodness.

24/25.

Is eavesdropping ever a blessed thing? I wonder sometimes.

"Do you love me?"

I love You. You are my life, and I'm learning that.

26/27.

"You two were too intent on the cat to see the celestial consequences of your worldy endeavors."

-Marilynne Robinson, "Gilead" p. 9

Thank You for the swallows and crows over the park today. The loaf of bread. The sharing.

Calling me "old soul" a few days ago.

Thank You for Your Word. Please bless us, guide us. I said that automatically. What I mean is make these dry bones live.

Pentecost tomorrow.

Peace, peace, to those far and near. Your Shalom.

27.

Pentecost.

Saw the dove descend.

[She] reminded me to look at the moon.

There were two swallows in the Duomo.

28.

I don’t know how to let go.

I’ve never let go in my life.

And I don’t even know how to write. How to describe the clean 

sky morning, the damp smudge of ink on paper, 

the heart’s incline. Desire and

The thudding of feet on pavement, on cobblestone. The cobbler. 

A pretentious glance, a sheepish foolish dance, three biscuits. A toss

and a catch and a weariness. 

A strange disjunction of tears through a computer screen. Being seen. 

Being welcomed across a room. Being spoonfed. Being led. 

Being piled with seven small tasks and a last enjoinder to be genuine.

Unicorns and music at pranzo. Sweetness of closeness and ache 

of estrangement. Balding. Better than he would expect 

under the circumstances. A long, long hug.

A red wax chipmunk holding magic beans in the cubby.

We all liked the men with trumpets yesterday. And the firecrackers 

on the little boys’ bellies.

Art and faith. Humility.

“Free yourself from the chains on your neck, O captive daughter of Zion.”

-Isaiah 52:2b NIV

Lines from the months of this last year: April

4.
Help me count myself welcome more often.
Help me welcome.


6. Maundy Thursday
This is one of the best days of my life.


10.
Jesus. The deep, deep love for all of us that You are building inside of me.
Please heal my feet.
I can't see her the way I saw her at first. Our goofus-on-the-roofus today. In the courtyard. "CHASE me!" and dancing. Praying.

It was a quiet evening. Please bless the vegetarian beggar.
Help me rejoice in others.


13. Today. Pigeon caught in the balcony bars.
Walked back alone for the third time.

Running in the park, in drizzle. Oh, help.
Oh, help! I can't stand suggestions. I need cold hard burning certain truth.
Show me. Woo me. Purify me, Lord Jesus.


17.
I am well
I am deeply well
I am a garden
I am a cistern
I am a sister
I am a friend
I am a guardian
I am a well.

Saturday: All Mown, mysterious music shared. Wordless prayers to You.


20.
Oh, to be less self-conscious.

Shame on us.
Humility. Cookies. And hope in Your grace.

Praise to You, Lord Jesus. All wise,
all pure, all gracious.
Brave and strong and obedient
beyond all humanity. Loving.
Amen and amen.

I don't want France. I want You.


22.
And then I realized that all along I had been
trying to capture the light.
And I saw myself. And I was beautiful.

They would feed me vegetables and teach me to cartwheel.


23.
My arms...
[She] took my arm as we walked today.

"The obligations of normal human kindness - chesed, as the Hebrew has it - that we all owe. But there's a kind of vanity in thinking you can nurse the world. There's a kind of vanity in goodness."
-Madeleine L'Engle, "A Ring of Endless Light," 61

"Anything on the side of life's worth a try."
-Ibid, 133

"If I'm confused, or upset, or angry, if I can go out and look at the stars I'll almost always get back a sense of proportion. It's not that they make me feel insignificant, it's the very opposite, they make me feel that everything matters, be it ever so small, and that there's meaning to life even when it seems most meaningless."
-Ibid, 147.

"He made me feel very real, not replete with me at all, only real, and hopeful."
-Ibid, 164

"And nothing loved is ever lost or perished."
-Ibid, 167


29.
Those who hope in You will not be disappointed. Show us! Is that true?
Then show us!

Lines from the months of this last year: March

March

1.
"Falsehood is never in words; it is in things."
-Italo Calvino, "Invisible Cities," p. 62

"There is no language without deceit."
Ibid., 48


2.
Wisdom calls from the highest point in the city. Proverbs 9:3.


3.
A truth beyond the language of the skin, of which skin plays a part.
Today: mercato, lower Orvieto, kissing the kind nun, playing futbol. Drawing Heather at the Duomo.
You have an original face.

Lord, please bless my cashier today, who allowed me to go back for another yogurt after I dropped my first one, trying to put it in my bag.

"It is not the voice that commands the story: it is the ear."
-Italo Calvino, "Invisible Cities," p. 62


4.
Nine days!
It feels like three weeks in some ways. Time is heavy here, heavy from richness, from movement, from growth. It chokes me a little sometimes. I can get into the rhythm of the swirling water, and I can seem well. But eventually I must stop. And as I stop, the movement pushes against me, inertia, and the forcefulness required for stillness overwhelms me...
But here, in this rest that You have allowed me, help me to be truly still. Still enough to feel Your gentle ripplings over the surface of my thoughts, from within my soul.


5.
A new thought: how terrible it would be
not to be able to worship You,
respond to Your beauty,
or give You pleasure.


6.
Fragrant with mint and rosemary. Gently, gently, breathe again.
Say, "This is not for nothing."
Believe in beauty. Believe in the fecundity of darkness. Rich soil, birthing.
Beating drums.
Pulsing and rippling muscles beneath my skin, soft and taut as camellia petals.
And now I long for a purity beyond safety,
a joy beyond laughter.
Belonging in a place is a delicate state of being.
Pressed against these pillars, these daughters, I, Caryatid,
strong in an ageless being.
Decorous is not a word to describe me. Intent on truth,
but let propriety die when it kills the soul. Be whole,
be very good. Allow yourself the terror of a conscience,
allow yourself the comfort of a rule.
Be queen, be fool.

These strange textures of beauty in the knuckles of my hand. Crevices marked out in charcoal black.
I could believe the best of you, for you. You are capable of a great beauty, a great truth. Quietly expressed in a stack of logs, a drainboard, shared fruit in a basket. Lagging behind, and we talked and you wanted to listen. What a gift is given in listening. Tell me your story. Tell me your loves. Trust me with your thoughts.
I will lie beneath this rectangle sky, on the ground. Sparsely grassed and pebbled. Hear the cats whisk by or pause to eye my long red woolen coat. Hear voices passing, pray to be alone.
Lonely is dangerous, lonely is safe.
Like the woods, where I loved while I shrank from the human face.
Clothe my eyes. Robe me in a sacrifice of furs,
and burn my leaves.

Too large to throw my arms around. If my love is unresponsive, tell me why.
Are you alive?


7.
It is not about me.


8.
Push darks and lights, variation. Everything is important. Allow yourself to enter the objects, to know the character of each.
You cannot erase it, but it adds character.

Tear down all idols.

I startled myself singing "Lev Tahor..." tonight; didn't realize until I started it that that was what I really meant. I hunger and thirst. Blessed are those...
Help us see each other. Help old ways of seeing to fade. Wean us off the internet nets we've woven for ourselves. Help us rest in You. Help me.


19.
Just let my life be a prayer.


22.
Oh Jesus, You dismay and delight me.
You do not thing in halves.


24.
And when did I become afraid to say what I really think? Dear Jesus. Help me be fearless again. Modest without being ashamed. Totally free, totally secure, totally alive. A life-giver. Make me more accepting of myself, of everyone. Without my own silly ideas interfering. Give me a love like Yours.


26.
Which way is a worse regret? Or, which way leaves more room for You to work?
Which speaks most loudly of love?
Show me what to do. Loving is not so different now from what it was then.
That one umbrella pine bending out so pugnacious.
What old gallantries are still true in all of this?

Merciful One, have mercy on me. Whistle for me. Wrap us in a blanket by the gray sea swells, and give us bread and wine.


28.
Thank You for the words that have which have stung and churned and uprooted and spurred me to come to You with greater humility, greater need.
Help me be a true lover and a lover of truth.


29.
Preghiera:
There is no separation.
Our God reigns, saves, loves.

"Even in darkness light dawns for the
upright,
for the gracious and compassionate and
righteous man."

-Psalm 112:4 NIV


When your sleep was so fragile it could be broken by a shaft of light.

Lines from the months of this last year: February

February

3.
Jesus, please use me to make families of people wherever I go.
And I pray for the peace of Jerusalem.


10.
"There is an earned innocence, I believe, which is as much to be honored as the innocence of children."

-Marilynne Robinson

11.
Thank You for giving me life, breath, digestion, and laughter.


12.
Imagine for the good of others.

I should not call common what God has made holy.


14.
Help me to give others credit for being more, different, than I expect them to be.

"But those who plan what is good find love and faithfulness."
-Proverbs 14:22b NIV

Help me be right with You, be gentle with whatever comes, tomorrow.


15.
"The thinness of face and fading of skin,
the pain given by damp and a hard bed
to a frail body, will hardly distress me,
for I look to have frequent visits from birds
and sunlight and Jesus the King who made me,
and my mind will be calling on Him each morning."

-Irish, 11th-12th century, from "A Hermit's Song"


19.
Yes, I even want to sacrifice.

My hands are still cold, no matter how close I inch them. Do I fall in?


20.
And this is what I thank You for:
For what is deep and everlasting,
For souls that love me in my closet days.


21.
Lord, I want to be all Yours. Pure of heart, because I am fixed on one thing - One thing.
You.


23.
This day is ending where is began: in Your arms, Jesus.
Yet it feels very different.

I walked and ran outside. Kissed the trees. Rested in the grass by the crabapple as I liked to and felt so content, Lord. Caught a glimpse of a star through the thinness of clouds. And then got one of those shocking feelings of realization, how great the world is, so many people, these clouds going somewhere else - Lord, You are great and do marvelous deeds. You will provide. You are good. You will salvage my mistakes. You will save me. You will provide friends.


24. (In the air)
Lemuel's wedding.

"You always seem to help me say things I'd never say otherwise."


26.
You've been trying to get in at the window.

Help me not feel alone in the crowd of new, help me to allow myself to be seen. Not to be coy or showy or sullen, either.
Help me to speak up for holiness - not because it is a rule, but because it is good. Help me not to wrong others by withholding love or acceptance. Help me not wrong myself by hardening myself (or abusing myself) from the love and acceptance of others.
Abba... You know I want something deep and lovely and joyful, joyous, to spring within my soul. Here I am. I am here.

Season my words.


27.
Isaiah 50:4 NIV

"The Sovereign LORD has given
me an instructed
tongue,
to know the word that
sustains the weary.
He wakens me morning by
morning,
wakens my ear to listen like
one being taught."

v.7
"Because the Sovereign LORD
helps me,
I will not be disgraced.
Therefore have I set my face
like flint,
and I know I will not be put
to shame."

v. 10
"Who among you fears the LORD
and obeys the word of his servant?
Let him who walks in the dark,
who has no light,
trust in the name of the LORD
and rely on his God."



29.
Drew hands.