Thursday, December 17, 2015

Lines from the Months of This Last Year: March

Dear Lord,
What do You want from my heart? How can it be made more and more Yours, without cheating or mortifying? Or is a kind of mortification necessary?

I don't even know how to approach the compounded beauties and pains of the last week. My life has been pretty easy though. I'm feeling sluggish. I WANT to feel alive.

Thank You for the chance to be, and putter... but see, that's it... I don't want to putter. I want to build, gather, scatter, make things that deserve to be made, for people that need them.
Father, I don't want to be a big gassy hard-armoured robot. Lord, I want to be free. I buck and kick and fight and scream or am sullen; almost the last thing I do is obey. Help me do the impossible: obey and embrace.
Let me be vulnerable, not in control, not the center of attention. Pull everything in us back to You.

Help me value our intercourse and value You, so much that I don't care if it's strange or embarrassing. Be my great desire. Absorb my attention. Free me, unleash me, make me fearless in Your love.
So take this (whatever it is, huzzah!)

You are the tenderest, the only comfort I know. Thank You.

Lord, my God, my TRUE BLUE.
Thank You.
This day has been pretty much miraculous. I have been given, and I can't repay. But help me try (I mean, help me freely give, because I have freely received).

Dear Jesus,
Thank You for opening doors and windows, and letting in sunlight and air.
Feed this river. Console me, Holy Spirit. Make me fresh and ready. Or at least willing. Oh God.

Holy Spirit, we depend on You. Lord, we worship You. You are wild, You are good, You are worthy.

Dear Jesus,
I bless Your Name. You exalt it above all things.
Oh Lord, my Saviour, my Troubadour. Win me, woo me, lull me to sleep again. I am content to be caught in You, tangled in Your arms and hair. Help me dig into You and not chase an image.
Please protect our hearts...not from hurt so much as from fear, bitterness, conceit, or callousness. Keep us tender, forming and reforming.
"Break, blow, burn and make [us] new."*
Christo pieta!

Help me to be faithful to our covenant. Help me serve you with all my heart and soul, to yield my heart to You.

If You want to make me well for tomorrow, I know You can. And if You choose not to, yet will I trust You. You know how to make everything work out for the very best ends. Help me trust You and not be so stiff and cynical. Make me humble, and something You can use and fill.

Hosanna. Blessed are You above all.
Prepare my heart for this. Help me trust You enough to let down my nets again in deep water.

*John Donne, Holy Sonnet 14

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