Sunday, December 20, 2015

Lines from the Months of This Last Year: May

Thank you for a lovely May Saturday. Cleaning Cherry Hill and Esbenshade roads with ladies from GPC and CMBC.
Grooveshark died yesterday.

TOO MUCH, DADDY. Help me. I'm talking too much. Help me just live. Write and sing this stuff. I'm SICK of it. Dirty. Melodrama, chess piece people. I'm angry and ashamed and afraid. And does any of that belong?
Sleep. Sleep it off. NO I CAN'T SLEEP IT OFF it's my own face looking back at me, I don't understand divorce and betrayal and yesses into "justified" noes.
How does one live?
Does good always die a martyr's death?
Deepen, broaden, sharpen me. Harden and soften (temper) me. Make me ready.
I need to love You.

Thank You, Jesus, for the sweet parts of today. For a blissful earth, green and warming. For time to talk with friends. For J home. For the rain beating down - even though I just went out in the dark to water.

THANK YOU for the blast Mom and I had with the Bs yesterday. Those kids. I sang songs to them I hadn't sung in a very very long time. They were a magnificent audience (also choir and interpretive dancers). Loved playing telephone, giving piggyback rides, holding little T, petting the dogs, teaching origami (and learning it) with J. Giving real tangible help to A.

Forgive me, Daddy, for my self-centeredness, my desperation for comfort, my flippancy in love.
Help me choose You every moment when, like this afternoon, bitterness and curses rise. Or when, like tonight, I feel like proving myself. I have nothing to prove. I have You.
You have me. Remind me.

10. (Mother's Day)
So many reasons to need You, Abba.

W     I     S     D     O    M

Thank You for safe driving. That he picked her up during the father-daughter dance. That L smelled rocks for me. That I got to sing to You and the cows.
That K gave me $5 rather than $1.75.
That I have a Mama so loving and beloved, that C cried writing to her, and she cried reading from him. That all my bros called.
Thank You for honey sticks. And "new" clothes. And this much hair. And that I'm a woman. And that I can use who and what I am to bless people, and to please You.

Please give me love for You, Your FACE not just Your hands. Help me live for You. I mean, not to win a man or deserve a deep relationship & career; for You.

You are the most interesting thing ever. Help me realize that.

I haven't written much recently. I guess that's OK. I don't have to feel like myself.
Everything doesn't have to be tidy and settled... and it's not.
But help me, O God. Bring to mind and heart what must & should be there.
I will drop and spoil everything otherwise.

Hone my skills, God. Help me work well, while I can, and not be wasteful, and not be slothful, and not be selfish. Help me to be wholly generous.

Thank You for a lovely afternoon with the ladies. For her willingness to tell me about her mom's cancer, and to let me pray with her by the energy bars.

Life is so short. O God, I don't want to hold back from loving, obeying, or saying the truth. Help me. I don't want any secrets. Not even crushes. Bind my restless tongue. Help my words, from my heart, be true and without sin, shame or lovelessness. FILL ME WITH YOUR LOVE and that will make me right. Right with You, O God.
I am, praise Jesus.

24. (Pentecost)
Help them know how to grieve. May what overwhelms them most be the LOVE they experience from YOUR PEOPLE.
Oh Jesus, defeater of sin and death, Satan and all his influence. You Are LORD. Amen.

Will traveling always do this to me?
But You can make me willing to do anything.

Settle me into you, O God, and may I not be afraid of any feeling.

Glory to You, Lord Christ.

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