Talking with B was good and challenging. How do we pray for big things, believing? If God doesn't actually say yes? How do we know His will?
Prayer can change things, but it also changes us, and it honors God.
But what if we're "single" "forever"? Will we be able to be truly content? Not pretending, deluding ourselves? Yes. It's possible. I believe it. But, as I told B tonight, I deeply don't believe I'll be single forever. I think I go in a few layers: the outer layer is single and lives that way. One layer below believes I'll be married. Beneath that, I have this terrible, "WILL I THOUGH?", and deeper still, "Yes."
If I forget the yes at the core, I'll begin to think that the "no" is the deepest and truest, the reality I just haven't accepted yet. But I don't believe it is.
I want to believe that I'll be a good wife. That I'll fight well, cleanly and fairly. That I'll be a good listener and snuggler. That I'll make him laugh, and calm him down, and excite him. That I'll keep his trust, and that I'll amaze him. That he'll feel safe with me, and be able to let me go. That he'll both share suffering with me, and allow me to have my own. That I'll feed him well, and that we'll match each other well in wits & sports & lovemaking. I want to believe that that I'll be a good Mom. That I'll attend well to my kids, sacrifice gladly, yet hold boundaries, discipline consistently, show grace. That I'll have a touch that is natural, safe, and comforting. That I'll be an enthralling storyteller. That I'll be shrewd & sensitive & funny, that I'll give wise counsel, that I'll be courageous and instill confidence and compassion in them. That I'll make them feel safe, and that through me they'll know the love of God. That I'll show them how to love life, love learning, love those different from themselves, stand up for truth and justice. That I'll be an example to them of hard work done with joy, and play that is generative and full of wonder. That I'll teach them to be nurturers, to rest, to listen.
Prayer can change things, but it also changes us, and it honors God.
But what if we're "single" "forever"? Will we be able to be truly content? Not pretending, deluding ourselves? Yes. It's possible. I believe it. But, as I told B tonight, I deeply don't believe I'll be single forever. I think I go in a few layers: the outer layer is single and lives that way. One layer below believes I'll be married. Beneath that, I have this terrible, "WILL I THOUGH?", and deeper still, "Yes."
If I forget the yes at the core, I'll begin to think that the "no" is the deepest and truest, the reality I just haven't accepted yet. But I don't believe it is.
I want to believe that I'll be a good wife. That I'll fight well, cleanly and fairly. That I'll be a good listener and snuggler. That I'll make him laugh, and calm him down, and excite him. That I'll keep his trust, and that I'll amaze him. That he'll feel safe with me, and be able to let me go. That he'll both share suffering with me, and allow me to have my own. That I'll feed him well, and that we'll match each other well in wits & sports & lovemaking. I want to believe that that I'll be a good Mom. That I'll attend well to my kids, sacrifice gladly, yet hold boundaries, discipline consistently, show grace. That I'll have a touch that is natural, safe, and comforting. That I'll be an enthralling storyteller. That I'll be shrewd & sensitive & funny, that I'll give wise counsel, that I'll be courageous and instill confidence and compassion in them. That I'll make them feel safe, and that through me they'll know the love of God. That I'll show them how to love life, love learning, love those different from themselves, stand up for truth and justice. That I'll be an example to them of hard work done with joy, and play that is generative and full of wonder. That I'll teach them to be nurturers, to rest, to listen.
No comments:
Post a Comment