Saturday, December 13, 2014

Lines from the Months of This Last Year: April

Uhhhh. I don't even KNOW what I need. I need more of You. I need to be faithful with little. Help me. And give me much when I've learned. Help help.
Madeleine talked about how we overuse some of these four-letter words.
                                          H  e  l  p .
It's on its way. I trust You.

How can I take on more responsibility?

Writing from A's window seat. I appreciate this family so much.
It is an overcast day, but the birds are active. Two fat ducks just landed in the puddle by the treeline.

Lord God,
What can I say to You? What is there?
As. You. Wish.

Two years ago today was Maundy Thursday, in Orvieto.
One of the best days of my life.
Today I went to the Evangelism class at 9am, a video lesson. It was thought provoking. And provoking.
What do people need to hear and know? How can we best understand? It's not such a clear "us-them." Who is God?
Whey does He love me? Why should I love Him?
What right do you have to accost me  - what is your motive?
Motives. I do not ever want to speak out of guilt or compulsion. But out of genuine concern, love, drive. Not that God couldn't use my words in any form,
but Madeleine L'Engle wrote about how we speak to people most by who we are. Who am I? Does my life witness?
What must be told as parable, and what can be spit out clean and offensive & joyous?

Being called like Samuel. Do You Still Call Me?
Yes, Lord.
Here I am.
Your Servant wants to listen.
I hate being so half-hearted, mistrusting. Apprehensive. Pouty. When
You Delight In Me.
Can I learn to take it one day at a time and trust You?
For good? For $? For <3? For this little lentil of a heart?
Hear me, heal me. Show me righteousness.
Give me a steady drip of grace.
Build real love in us. Help us not fear.
Why is it so easy to be cynical about romantic love? Don't good things have to be believed in?
M   E    &    Y   O   U  .

Anoint my tongue. Guard it with me.

My problem is not Paul's. He acted in ignorance & unbelief. I know, but I just don't care. And I'm a coward. A people-pleaser. A comfort-lover. Or maybe I don't really believe, because if I did I'd care more about people's eternal comfort and pleasure than their earthly ease. Life isn't about ease. Lord, help me. I know fear and guilt could choke me. Free me, love and speak through me, truth, law, grace.


He is like a tree. Tall, contained, eager but unruffled. Of few words, but easy ones.  Ruminated, aged ones. He is not lazy, is not busy. He is.
He does what there is to be done, in season. Steadily works, readily rests, heartily enjoys.
He is friendly, but not suave. He likes people and is therefore easily liked, respected because he is honest. He is childlike. There is no social veneer. No careful solicitude. Only curiosity and attention. His hands are the most beautiful. Brown & knotted with callouses, cracked in places, still edged with earth.


Help all of us to have softer hearts this week.
Help me not to get tied up in knots, but love from who You made me to be.

Guide forth, my Lord. Be glorified in us. Make me more and more Yours. Utterly, undeniably, willingly. You give me such joy. This is a beautiful life.
Thank You for Yours.

Decided to let go of C's wedding bouquet. I found a Kleenex folded up and tucked between the roses. I cried quite a bit that wedding, and didn't have sleeves to hide tissues in.
Today is painfully beautiful. One of those rare, first warm days before everything bursts into life. Few insects, many birds. Budding forsythias. Breeze, clean air. A heaviness, too, the feeling of impending rain. Spring peepers.
The highway, the chimes. Iris yapping. Am I allowed to drink this? Do I know what any of it means, I so short on earth, not capable even of the back deck, and never a tree? But is it also for me? Can I be safely lost in this, and trust it (You), trust this love because it makes me quiver, swell, dissolve? I disappear in You, and become. I don't understand. I am sad for spring, too, this year.
"Heaven is my heart made large enough
to love You the way You deserve."

Edible air, goodness so real and graspable. Jesus. You can have me.

Dear Jesus.
Thank You for seeing, and knowing, and loving with such perfection.
Thank You for yesterday. Thank You for helping her come, and come dancing. For the dancing. So, so good. I danced every dance!
You know what You are doing.
Oh, provide. NOTHING can be done without You.
Make them wise and innocent, righteous and humble.
Cars, $, spouses, houses, jobs. Care for us.

Only You are my help.
Thank You that You WILL BE here for everything. That You never fail, and You are more trustworthy than Your creatures could ever be.
Do sanctify me.
Full moon. Blooming forsythia. Fan on, blankets swapped. Spring is here. Hallelujah.

17. Maundy Thursday
Dear Lord,
You know why I'm here, downstairs quarantined with the flu, rather than on my way to New York. Please take this time and use it. I give all I am and have to You.

19. Easter Eve
"Who knew fever breaking was like water breaking,
Cold sweat, wet bed and 
'What has happened to me?
Am I born again, resurrected?'"

Keep leading us. Help us follow.
Praise You, Risen Lord.
Do I believe You rose? I'm trying to imagine. If I say I don't it, doesn't make sense. I do. I guess You could say I'm staking my life on it.
Like Madeleine, believing utterly with all kinds of doubts. Help me.

J: "You looked like death this morning....Beautiful and something to
look forward to."

Lord, help me to desire Your Word, not just be tired of my sickbed.
Wowza. Remember before I could write? And now I can write almost without thinking about it.
Hope for driving, huh?

Thank You that I can sleep in my own bed tonight.

Dear Jesus,
Thank You that You see me. That You care about how low I feel today, and I don't have to hide it, to hide from You. Please help me.
Thank You for Rilke's 8th letter. For E's text, and A's call immediately after I asked for prayer. For Mom and Dad praying over me. For a talk with J.
Please keep us all firmly under Your hand of protection and guidance. Use us. Make us fruitful. Please give me patience and trust.
"I Will Wait."

I feel trapped in smallness...I keep rearranging my room. Trying to get rid of things. Is it really because I'm preparing for something, or am I just growing stagnant? Where is the life You showed me, that would call for everything I had, even beyond what I felt capable of? Isn't that life also (always) Today?
I want something large and demanding and beautiful to give myself to.
But how well am I preparing?

I have something to battle the depression with - praise.
Help them to refuse to let this slide. To fight for their love with YOUR WORD, all the weapons and strength You provide.
We are trusting You Lord, for victory over sin and death and brokenness. Trusting Your redemptive power, Your LOVE and mercy. Your justice.

Thank You, Lord.
Please keep feeding me truth and hope, and help me give my whole self to You, every day. Not hold back anything out of fear, but know the glorious freedom of abandonment to You, and of seeing You multiply my loaves and fish.

Thank You for picking me up again and again. Please keep showing Yourself strong in my weakness, and humbling me by the graciousness and love of my family and friends. Bless us Lord. Help us mean our words. Help us know Your Word, and live it. Use it as it is meant to be used.
It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of God. But better Your hands than anyone else's.


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