Sunday, December 21, 2014

Lines from the Months of This Last Year: August

"We can't do justice to any of this.
Sometimes I forget to try anyway.
Will you really find me extraordinary and delicious? Will I find you so?
Or will we spend years resolving to make peace with a fluctuating image,
misaligned printing - the cyan, magenta, and yellow bleeding off the edges
where they shouldn't?
Will I be as boorish and perverse with you as I am with myself?
Will you teach me gentleness and manners?
Lord God, help me to be honest. To laugh and mean it.
I'm tired. I've been well fed, and I'm hungry for hunger. Want a little more of the unavoidable acquiescence of fasting.
Jesus, we call on You under our breath, and with our eyes open,
and with fingers on skin. Come, bridegroom."

If I die soon, no one can say that we didn't have a satisfactory love. You've been so good to me, and I've been afraid to believe it, but I do and I love You better than anything. May it be.

3. (Cabin)
I'm writing from the loft. What a lovely (if rainy and intermittent) night of sleep. It feels strange to be suddenly here, no computer or phone, very little planned for myself except reading, writing letters, and perhaps sketching a bit, or planning.
Help this weekend be a time of perspective and healing for me and for each one here. May we love each other as we love ourselves, and not get into a funk of trying hard to please our contrary and insatiable selves.

Lord, open up our eyes to angels.

Do You know how much my sensitive hopes swarmed around that sentence? Yes, smile with me. Nurse me on Your sap. Oh, this beauty heals. All the green, mountains, thick damp foliage, moss, spring water.

Old vs. new NIV: love "is not rude" becomes, "does not dishonor others." What an apt way to communicate what rudeness is... as denying someone existence is akin to murder (MacDonald).

Help me as I feel timid and slothful again, and SO VORACIOUS but not voracious enough!
I've felt sarcastic and unappreciative most of today. Help, Lord.
Thank You that there are no fish in the pond, and no worms on my hook, and no hooks in my finger. We'll still eat well tonight. You are not cruel and perverse in all this. You are very, very kind.
Please help me be content. Not cut my hair until the time is right. Seize me with a desire for righteousness. Cleanse me, purify me. Simplify and beautify me.

A's letter. Pink sun. Peaches.

Lord, children are being beheaded in Iraq. Have mercy. Bring justice, relief, healing, repentance. Love and hope and forgiveness. These words have sharpness and life against such brutality and wickedness.

I mostly played with a little boy of four who loved to spell words (SHELL, LAMP, DOOR, MAT, CAT, DOG, CUP, PLANT, etc.). We were cars, went swimming, went to quite a few fast food restaurants (seems he does that a lot).


"...your face's planes, your plain face something pure 
if not eternal, what? wipe out the bowl, that grin off your face,
that levity around water
are you crisping up by the heater? or grown warm?
you man-of-war,
you're boring holes, I can't hold this, 
I can't hold on, O mother, 
Daddy, lift me down 
I climbed so high 
I couldn't see the ground
and every pair of eyes 
is overwhelming."


Swing low, swing high
whistle, howl, hoot beside
me at the full moon with your chains flying,
brother, laughing helplessly and too loud to be
reasonable. Was creation ever
meant to be taken indifferently,
of habit? A tooth-flossing duty, or a cough
and a gasp like vodka?
Far be it from me
(it is ever so close),
to blink at heaven
scooping down and whipping up
our heels, our hair, our hearts in hallelujah.

Keep us grateful always. Heal Your world.

"Thou deckest thyself with light..."
"...full of sap..."
(Psalm 104)

I'm feeling sort of weak and shattered. So here You go! Please make something beautiful out of me.

"Went a whoring with their own inventions..."
"He thought upon his covenant, and pitied them..."
(Psalm 106)

Adventures on the road. Stories about things that make our eyes sparkle. Such good food. Birdsong. Hugs. Mama coming out to chat a bit while I got tea - looking like a vibrant silver-white haired angel grandma.

"For he satisfieth the empty soul..."
(Psalm 107)


"O God, my heart is ready, my heart is ready..."
(Psalm 108)

I was reminded this week that harmony with You is the only beauty.
It is not some oddball, screech-to-a-stop-at-life, stunted attempt.
It is tapping into the sap, the lifeblood of the universe. It is drinking deep
each moment with a prayer of praise,
whether dressed in heavy skirts or naked in water.
It is allowing emotion, obeying honor, choosing love.

I was practically dizzy. Maybe it was the caffeine. 
Lord, I know it's a pointless and Biblically frowned-upon question, but, 
"Why did You make me like this?"

Woke up to roosters.
What a beautiful place.
Now there's the smell of bacon wafting up the stairs. 

"Oh how sweet are thy words to my throat..." 
(Psalm 119)

I hardly know what to do. I keep receiving
Let me slide contently out of words, and sleep in You. 

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