Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Lines from the Months of This Last Year: January

New Year's Day happens as often as the others. Any day is a new beginning.
If we had to choose a special, rare day, Feb 29 would fit better.
There is nothing to fear, everything to hope, going forward with You.
Bless with abundant rain. Autumn & spring BOTH.

Today we built a fire in the fireplace. I told Mom it made me feel like we were a legitimate family.

The fire is so good. Outside it snows.
Got my bridesmaid dress today. Hung artwork at the library. Got plenty of books out, too. Mostly wanting transcendence. But I'm stale, I think I am ignoring something.
For sure, I am insecure and impatient, greedy to feel wanted. And I'm cloaking and ignoring this need. Oh Jesus.
Where I am hungry I don't like to admit it. As if I don't deserve to eat.
And yet - here You are offering Your flesh and blood to me! How can I refuse You?
How can I even attempt to say, "I'm not hungry"? Yes, Yes, Lord! Feed me Yourself, succour me on all Your goodness. I will gather daily, enough for the day. My bread & wine, my mother's milk. Your mouth is sweetness itself. Honey is under Your tongue.
Make me an orchard.

Jesus. What my hands are holding too tightly, I give back to You.

I am writing from my bed. These last couple of days I have been groggy, sick, but now I'm off Benadryl for the moment, and my head is clearer.
I have been pretty unhappy for a lot of this week. This afternoon, with C's fb message, Psalm 71, and a cup of cocoa, I improved. But I'm still not right.
East of Eden is like a slow pressure on my temples, and I can't decide if it's relieving tension or creating it.
But I do know, in all of this (and my silly desire to be deep, supra), there is a cocky eucharisteo. That happened today, too. There are always countless things to be thankful for. Even if I cannot live to experience them all, they are.
And mostly You. You are the center. It all revolves around You. Even when I cannot pray. Hold me. Make something out of me, this creation of Yours. Remind me about being made in Your image (all of us).

Lord, remind me that I'm not making You up.

Give me a personal epiphany. Not to test You, but because I want You.
Beloved. You know me, I am safe and not too small, or too large, with You. It is as it should be when I am quiet against Your steady breathing.

Lord, thank You that I only need to see You.

I saw our flock 
Like Jacob's flock,
Jacob's flocks and herds,
Jacob's sons and daughters,
Blessed from the bottom of the belly,
Sent out over mountains,
Named and blessed. 

And could I live like this? 
If God is calling you to dance, do you resist?
When Psyche saw him in the light, 
Was she surprised?

Each swinging door, 
Each figure carved by hand!
I understand.

Give me love for You
more than for my own strangeness.

Barefoot in the snow-swollen grass, wet and warm and smelling fresh. Kissing the crabapple. Spinning, leaping, slipping down onto Your soft lap. Laughing. Mud splattering my ankles. Damp curls fraying from my ponytail.
It has been a good day. Too much of me, but a good day, and I praise You that You will redeem it.
Make a Sabbath here, Jesus.
Let me fall into You again, trust the tie between us. It is adamantine.

I have the Welsh rats I guess (thanks Steinbeck). Whatever I do, there is sadness and longing over me. But it may not be a bad thing. I just want to LOVE. If I died tonight, I would regret not loving better. Being intentional.
I don't feel very well known right now. I feel like I'm being polite.

Today leaves me tingling. So many ways we need You.
I took a walk while the challah rose.
Even tonight I noticed how desperate we humans are for real interpersonal connection, to be seen and affirmed. The hunger, the care too, were visible. So help us. Make us one in You. Use us in each other's lives, to love and sharpen, and spur us toward You. Help me be less, less, less...
Jesus, none of the people You made deserve worship. Not me.

"I am the LORD thy God, who brought thee out of the land of Egypt: open thy mouth wide, and I shall fill it.
I would have fed them also with the finest wheat-flour; and with honey out of the stony rock would I have satisfied thee."

(Psalm 81:11, 17)

'It burns like a blazing fire, like a mighty flame.'

Do we always long? Is it only the young?
Do we grow tired of desire when we grow old, or does it only cut a deeper groove?

Today I did a lot of small tasks that seemed petty. It seems like everything was luxury, a joy, when I look back on it now.

Will I ever learn to trust? All I see now are kisses and hands and arms. I want to practice these sacred and intimate contacts. I want to see, to know, to understand even if I die. All my life I want to gaze on Your beauty, and seek You in Your temple. In Your sanctuary. Lord... I am Your temple. This body, even. Help me honor it and honor the others, Your temple. Your bride, Your body.
Make me a home.
"I'd just be sitting here stitching you into my heart."

Lord Jesus,
Please keep me under Your wings tonight. I feel like I've been out in the rain and sun, played too hard, got a scare. Tuck me in close, Mother. Father, teach me how to go forward.
Wean me off of myself, and all the distractions. Prepare me for Yourself, and for the work You have for me. Give me singleness of mind & heart, and selflessness. I have been looking in the mirror too much, on fb too much, even in my journal too much. Trying to find myself. I find myself in You.
I am thankful for the family I'm building here. I need You to help me never stop loving or let love be polluted by pride, envy, lust, doubt, fear...only Your pure love. Don't let us grow cold.
Don't let division, misunderstanding, illusions of being overlooked or misunderstood, distract us.

"Because Jesus succeeded for me,
I am free to fail!"

-T Tchividjian

If you don't have a house...

I am especially grateful for meaningful conversations. How I miss (thrive on!) those. I feel encouraged. Not elated or noisesome or transported, but quietly, solidly fed and affirmed - and challenged. May You confirm everything true, and Your very self. Cover and transform the unintentional, the mistakes, the weaknesses. You are the BEST. And deserve all praise.

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