Friday, December 19, 2014

Lines from the Months of This Last Year: July

Now that I have come to the late afternoon, I am weary and
I   d o n ' t   k n o w   h o w .
How to paint, how to love, how to pray. Please speak for me.
Make Your gospel shine clear and true tonight. Exert all Your powers of attraction.

B  E  H  O  L  D

"The river of God is full of water..."
"The little hills shall rejoice on every side..." (Psalm 65)

Thank You for this most delicious day. Oh, the air.

"Be joyful in God....who holdeth our soul in life..." (Psalm 66)

We all need to see Your winsome goodness, Your terrifying holiness, your personal love. It is too easy to look in the wrong places.

"Do you know everything about sharks?"

Lord, thank You for all the flickering bits making light, for the picture You're building. The glimpses just in these last few days.

"Let them also be merry and joyful." (Psalm 68)

"We need to remember that the little blueberry-sized fruits borne by the Holy Spirit are part and parcel to his kingdom." - Gloria Furman

There was no feeling of impact. But I looked back to see wrecks burning.
Where is purity, safety? True purity & safety? In You, centrally and only in You. Not in any tidy rules or tight-lipped resolutions.

Help me move with You, sense in the muscles of Your hand, arm, shoulder, where You are leading me. When to pause, linger.

"There is none upon earth that I desire in comparison of thee." (Psalm 73)

Jesus, help me trust Your sufficiency again. I am not good enough. I have not been. But You have, You are, and You will be. Remind me. Ezekiel 33 & 35 were good reminders of the hard sharp truth.
TIMSHEL. Help me.

What kind of noncomformity? I would like to be unflinchingly loving. Rarely, if ever, do I think about selfless persistent love as noncomformity. But it stands out sharply against a backdrop of arrogance, apathy, and self-centeredness.
And makes other forms of "self-expression" or "self-actualizing" noncomformity look small.

Very early morning. Couldn't sleep.
Prayed, wrote, watched "Princess Mononoke".
Thank You for swings and rain and smelly dogs and wonderful wonderful people. Is love enough? Will there be a day when love is not enough? Yours, me what it does. Show us what healing is, redemption, transformation.

Here I am again, "small and unsure." Give me words for this.
What petty and circular thoughts I have. How can I escape? What am I digging into, when I dig into You? How do I get through the matter to the matter, to the stuff of life?
You see this tiny little fly traversing the hairs of my blanket like hurdles.
You sense the faint, taut itch of my healing scar. You smell my lavender and deodorant, my sweat. You taste the strawberries' last lingering sweetness and acidity in my mouth. Feel the thick of my waist, the dimpling in my elbows, the fine, flexing muscles of my eyes. Nothing, and everything. One actual thing, perhaps.

What is most precious to me, when there is no applause? Do I want to prove myself to myself? To the mountains? To You, You who heard me laugh like Sarah at Your absurd promises?

Thank You that I can feel sort of dumb right now. Accessory, peripheral. I know I'm not. I know I matter. Sometimes I get tired of waiting to matter more. Give me patience, help me grow a good nut inside this shell.
Help me not grasp at everything as if I could keep it.
Help me live as only I can live.
Thank You for ways that people begin to trust each other and do well by each other. Thank You that we all need You the same. You love each of us. We can fall confidently into Your arms. Please protect us from the evil one. Please unify us. Cover our loves with Your miraculous love.

Help me honor sacredness better.

Help me live quietly and unafraid.

"The singers also and trumpeters shall make answer: all my fresh springs are in thee." (Psalm 87)

Teach me all that I already know, and more. Lord, enlarge me. Help me not grow frantic.
Help me wonder.
Lord, I think I forgot to tip the waitress.

Please meet us tonight. Welcome us into You. Tear the veil (it is torn), help us step inside, reverent, confident, joyous. Worshipping.

I got a chance to bawl later, after seeing all the responses to my "pray for me" painting post.

We are all victims and all oppressors. Help that to be clear today.
Lord, help me pray about the things that really matter. Fasting helps, and hinders. I don't want to be just waiting to eat, distracted by hunger, too weak to concentrate. You Lord. Who are You?
Jesus, use all the conversations. All the small weak things.
You are answering prayer! Help us keep believing! Inspire us. Put sparks in our brains and hearts.

You knew what I needed today. Early-ish morning, nourishing food, sunlight, texting J, painting, the terror of thinking I'd poisoned B and the relief of discovering I hadn't. J bringing vegetables and staying to talk, C's phonecall, pesto, more painting, L's impromptu invite to walk and talk and sing.

"But my horn shall be exalted like the horn of a unicorn; for I am anointed with fresh oil."
"That they may show how true the Lord my strength is, and that there is not unrighteousness in him." (Psalm 92)

17. quote: "Skyline Hill", Jenny & Tyler

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