Please keep me aware of the preciousness of each day. Each particular day.
I can't do this over. And it won't last forever. What if this year is my last? Or my last here, at any rate? I don't want to be 28 and here, I'm realizing. At least, not with the current setup. I'm feeling selfish now. I need You to guide everything. And help me to be grateful for how good I have it right here, right now.
But don't let me be alone. Not in the way I'm afraid of. I lay in bed last night trying to think up comforting, satisfying, edifying fantasies. But I don't know how. I need realities. I need to be brave enough for them.
There were so many good smells on my walk today. Wood smoke. Pine needles. Catalpa bark, warmed with my breath. This was a good day, but I'm still not ready for life. Not ready to love rightly, to die.
To pray as I should and want to.
M looked really poorly today. It was difficult to see him. N remembered me.
An episode of TZ tonight dealt with the atrocities of Nazi Germany. And I know I'm capable of this. Even ST is reminding me how corruptible we are.
You see and know all my thoughts. You winnow them. Please keep giving me Your own self to behold, to believe, to hold and live and eat. Please help me to obey You on the home front. To be ready for anything, and not to doubt Your ability to provide, to supersede my expectations, to satisfy me.
I can't do this over. And it won't last forever. What if this year is my last? Or my last here, at any rate? I don't want to be 28 and here, I'm realizing. At least, not with the current setup. I'm feeling selfish now. I need You to guide everything. And help me to be grateful for how good I have it right here, right now.
But don't let me be alone. Not in the way I'm afraid of. I lay in bed last night trying to think up comforting, satisfying, edifying fantasies. But I don't know how. I need realities. I need to be brave enough for them.
There were so many good smells on my walk today. Wood smoke. Pine needles. Catalpa bark, warmed with my breath. This was a good day, but I'm still not ready for life. Not ready to love rightly, to die.
To pray as I should and want to.
M looked really poorly today. It was difficult to see him. N remembered me.
An episode of TZ tonight dealt with the atrocities of Nazi Germany. And I know I'm capable of this. Even ST is reminding me how corruptible we are.
You see and know all my thoughts. You winnow them. Please keep giving me Your own self to behold, to believe, to hold and live and eat. Please help me to obey You on the home front. To be ready for anything, and not to doubt Your ability to provide, to supersede my expectations, to satisfy me.
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