Saturday, June 25, 2016

Lines from March, Part 2

Lord, if I'm honest, I'm pretty fed up right now.
Ready to be angry and sweepingly bitter toward all men. You've got to stop me and help me.
Yesterday was long and rich, from place to place. But conversation really bothered me at points... hearing things or being pushed toward saying things I didn't like. I admit there's pride, and hurt pride, there.
But I long for truth and love.

And then today...ouch. Why does it make me feel like I dodged a bullet, but took a fist to the gut? Insignificance. That's what bothers me.
At least I can extend grace. But help me. I'm too ready to be either a tomb or a hot water bottle. I want to be a woman. Discerning and tender. Make love to my glowering little heart. Make me clear and true and totally at rest in You.

Thank You for taking me through this vulnerable day,
even when I was tired of words.
Thank You for people praying with and for me.
Protect me, but not if it's to the detriment of Your glory. Use me as a light-bearer. But to do that, You've got to keep burning out my darkness. And on this trip, Father, show me how to pray and rest and work, listen and respond, play and laugh. Make this our sweetest time yet.
Daddy, I'm weary. My dreams are weary. Give me Yours.
Love Yourself through me.

Dear Jesus.
Thank You for seeing me through the various steps and confusions of travel to a startlingly quiet haven. To a home in a castle. To a nest of vitality in an inhospitable concrete maze. There are more and better ways to describe this, but thank You.
Last night we had chicken and rice and cucumber-tomato salad, and walked to Fort Tryon park by a round yellow moon, and saw magnolia trees glowing and the bright, 2-tiered G.W. Bridge. Tantrums and tears, walking home. Daffodils massing under trees, in walkway gardens.
We talked late, eating mint chocolate chip ice cream.

Today I got to fold laundry, read, play hide-and-seek, pick imaginary flowers, play I Spy and "Excuse Me, What Are You Doing?" and dance. It's both strange and natural to be here. To have so much history, and yet so little in common in the way of life-season and circumstances. So good to be kindred spirits and know there's that trust and grace. Jesus, help us grow that this week. Really listen and see, and be heard and seen, and keep it all focused on You and coming back to You.
I still feel hungry for Your closeness and security. To not be second-guessing. I am safe with You, my Love.
Feed me Your words, Your True Words. Help me move with grace from moment to moment, to sense what is needed and how I should respond.
Spirit, quicken me.
Maundy Thursday. And I've been barely aware of Holy Week.
Settle me into Your arms that don't get tired.

So much fun to be out and get a taste of life for other families. The air was so fresh. It felt gracious and spring-like.
I wish I could do more to help out, but I do feel wanted and I know it blesses C to have me there to help with the kids, so I don't feel burdensome. It's been lovely to talk, about all sorts of things. We still haven't run out of things, even though we talk ourselves to exhaustion. C makes the best lattes.
So refreshing to be in the Word, even on a screen with background noise and a wandering mind. So good to shower tonight. To have had sweet moments with each child today.
Ah, Lord. Bring to mind what I must recall. Instruct me where I need to grow.
Make my heart humble and secure in You, Jesus. You, who gave everything willingly.

Thank You for this precious day, with so many seasons of activity: reading, singing, dancing, yoga, cooking, drawing, cuddling, pacing with baby. I love these people. I love knowing that we enjoy sharing each other's lives and hearing about the small details of it. And Lord, we want more of You. To be fully devoted, and never apart. Never running on flesh, but on Spirit.
Guide our tomorrow to be a time of enjoying You and worshipping You, of being changed, of loving deeply and patiently and well.
Help us know You for who You are. To know Your heart for the home it is. Make our hearts Your home. Make my heart Your home.
Make me brave and obedient. Fill me with joy in Your presence.

Today was so good; cinnamon rolls and church, resting at home, simple "dinosaur food" supper, talking with C. We saw ~6 rats on the subway. So many good or funny or interesting conversations.
Help me to understand Your welcome, and to extend it.
Thank You for Your loyal love, fresh every morning.

O God, I need Your own words, and yet I can't seem to absorb them. I need Your strength for everything.
You brought me kindly through today, the farewell ("I love you, bay-bay!"), the 4 legs of the trip (including my inappropriately conversational neighbor at 30th Street), the transition back to the studio and the time to talk and look at photos with Mom and Dad.
I'm still reeling a bit from what Mom said, what I may have done. I feel sick. I feel like it's just a sick situation. And I'm having trouble taking all the things that need to be done one at a time, keeping them in perspective.
Jesus, You are true. Even when I am false. When I don't believe You. When I'm too smart for my own good, and really the biggest fool.
Show me, again, Your face.
Romance me through this week, romance and more. Grant me another day of life, if You see fit, for Your glory.

Well, Lord. Wow.
Thank You for bringing me through today, with nothing much to show for it. Nothing to show but Your goodness. Helping me get a little work done, finish Solhzenitsyn (rats, I was hoping I got it right! Still messed up. Switch the h & z), take a walk.
Walking...that was lovely.
N asked for prayer about asking M out, and now they are dating. Whoosh.
But I'm pretty frustrated about tonight. Not as bad as it could be, it's laughable, but sad. It's hard not to make snap judgments. Forgive me, the flake.

It's been a special day. I see that now. Sleeping "in" (no prayer meeting for this insomniac), making pancakes, doing little chores and making progress, making meatballs.
Driving to Camp, and having such a deep dear time with C, catching up, sitting at a picnic table in the sun. I played the song for her, and she cried. And she said such meaningful things to me, I almost couldn't absorb it. Lord, provide for them. Steady them in this season.

B and I had a good long talk after I got home. That helped. Father, please please bring truth and love. Wholeness, not division and strife. There is so much sin, so much poison. It scares me. Bleed us of it, bleed over us, make us wail at Your love and suffering. We still don't understand what it does to You.

Most of the day I've been prepping things for the coffee shop show. Mom and I went out for frames and things, and I was able to find 7 workable ones. It feels good. As we drove back, I felt a wash of gratitude and vitality. I'm thankful I get to be an artist.
Life is riddled with wonders, when I'm ready to see them.
Jesus, thank You.


  1. Thanks for sharing. And for putting the million emotions of life into words - things that I feel, too.

    1. You are welcome, Faith. Thank you.