Monday, June 20, 2016

Lines from March, Part 1

Dearest Savior.
Thanks for reminding me again today of what You've earned for me, that I can't earn or replicate.

Fill me up on You.
Thanks for the small steps in creativity today, and the gift of being home
for this season.

How good it is to just be Yours tonight. To know You have given me beauty I have nothing to do with.

But please create in me a clean a heart. Give me a gentle & quiet spirit.
A fearless, loving spirit.
Thanks for dancing with me through today. The beauty of this fluid life.
Accomplish Your will, for Your glory, in the Name of Jesus.
With D I say, ANYTHING for You, Jesus.

I'm having a hard time with steadiness today. Sleeping in has its downsides -
I feel like I've accomplished next to nothing so far.
Remind me there is grace for this?
Help me follow after You with the rest (and the work, heh) of this day.

I need to wake up satisfied with Your likeness more often. Right now it's too easy to settle for the dream of a man. Help me in my mind and thoughts. Never let me cut You out of my imaginings; come into them with me, guide them and purify them.

Thank You, God. I'm all crumply and choky with gratitude and tears. This was You, J texting and calling, our conversation over the last hour. Lord, You are so good to answer our prayers and even our unspoken desires. Keep opening doors for her.

Jesus, thank You for this heavily peopled day. Help me accept it.
Make me an oasis of rest and trust. Protect us. Chasten and encourage us.

The Psalter readings for this morning are spot-on. Thanks.
And thanks for a sweet and insightful evening yesterday at L's wine &
cheese party.
I think I can pull off swanky pretty well. But I don't think I want to. Help me be a small bird today, to be meek and aware. Fill me with love.

Thanks for a walk with Papa.

Thanks for all these Psalms, which are too rich and good. Thank You for showers of love today, S's  money gift, card from A, hugs galore from L.
A cozy feeling, and the feeling of being beautiful and wanted. It's strange.
Take all of me. Do all the things You promise. Help me trust & rest.

Thank You, Daddy. Praise You.

This morning it was relief and gratitude and a little sadness. Now it's dull ache and distractedness. It's not bad, really; not miserable or despairing, but it's not exactly pleasant. It just is, and I need to let it come. Thanks for being with me.

Help me know what to say. Heal me, too.

Lord, I'm so pissed, and I don't want to be.
Work it out of me, please.

I don't even know where to start. Today... I'm alive again. Raspy rough lungs all day, but warmth, unbelievable spring gentleness in the air, and dawn and sunset, and music, and good work done, and listening and talking, and laughter.

Blueberries and milk. Prayer in the AM with C and the Es. Coffee with H.
Lovely ride home, windows down. Painting and lunch and reading Narnia with Mom and Dad. More resting and sketching and painting. Talking with C, while I walked on the deck or around the septic cap outside, for more than an hour. C is such a good one to talk with - can make things relatable/understandable, even complicated information. With facts and intelligence. And enthusiasm.
Love that man.
Thank You for Your exuberant life when I'm at the utter end of myself. Prepare me to be with You. Help me do whatever You have for me to do.

Lord, take my life.
Bless You for Your love and the love of the people in my world.

In Your mercy, hear us.

Thank You for the feast of frosting that a birthday is. Too much. And not enough. And necessary.
I am nothing but a recipient of grace... "thank You" is a lumpy response. I have the feeling You'd be happiest if I just quietly crawled into Your lap and fell asleep there. Help me do that. And be my wind VeRU'AH all day tomorrow in the city & the train & the station & the gallery, and every place my mind wanders. I'm bleeding and ill with love and need of You.

Thank You for a good - if weird - day. To Philly, encaustic demo at McCleaf, lunch, catching up with R. All the young Saint Paddy's pubbers, bouncing around in glittery green or trudging with watery eyes. The girls in the subway talking about how church is affecting someone they know (he's losing weight, getting support, it's better than drugs, but not for everyone. And who says you need Jesus? What could He add? Are you less of a person without Him?). The teenager touching people intentionally in Suburban Station. Giving clementines and a granola bar to homeless men. Reading John 13-15 and Solzhenitsyn. Coughing foully. And starting my cycle at the gallery - thanks for helping me realize it was more than the bizarre rectal bleeding I've been having over the last week.

Maybe I didn't write anything I meant to. Jesus, there are so many needs. Show me You are truly here. Help us run TO YOU, not away. I'm getting all spidery and doubtful again, right after so much love and sunshine.
Heal me from the inside out. I'm thinking in circles about so many things, and need Your help so I don't lose balance. Hold us all.

Daddy, take this day now. Wash out the guilt, meet me in my loneliness. Help me stop trying to prove myself. Let me just be. Help me own Your freedom, grace. I'm Yours.

What a wonderful place to be; in K's spare oom, arranged and lit for me on my arrival, after helping at the church yard sale and stopping at Friendly's with the gang. I felt a bit off - like I couldn't quite connect. I could manufacture excuses if I wanted to. But mostly, I just want to accept and rest. It's OK, even though I'm not the Savior. BECAUSE I'm not.
Please make me a blessing this week. Breathe Your lion's breath of love and courage and holy desire on me. I'm so full of contradictions, selfishness and worship. Help me worship You, my God, whatever that looks like tonight, tomorrow.
Thank You for friends.

Dear Heavenly,
Thank You for making this day beautiful, and helping me see some of it, and hopefully make it more so.
Got up early to eat cereal with K before she left, then went back to bed. Got up around 10:15, second breakfast, shower, walking R. I washed dishes for a while, it felt so good. In the afternoon I managed a little work on S's commission, and tried the new mic. It's incredible. Gloria.

K and I ate in the car on the way to her orchestra practice. Thank You for the trust and confidence we have in this friendship. Thank You for her transparency.

I need You, simply to pray I need You. It's paralyzing, but You're big enough for us. Show us Your face, even if that means hiding Your hands.

Keep healing me. This is hard. I still want to cling to shreds, to imagine the destiny of it all holding some sway. But everything will come into play. You waste nothing. I don't have to force the rest of it, it's never been my story to begin with. Remind me of this when I'm turning bitter or self-pitying. Your goodness is evident in every step, already. Glory to You, Lord Christ.

Thank You for the intricate heart of Calvary Church, all the beauty and belonging in its corners. The time and space and safety to read, walk laps, just rest and listen. Or sit out in the mulch, against the wall, singing as the sun sank.

Your arms surround me
I feel my shame wash away
as You love me with the strength of the sea
and all of me just wants to love You back

YOU, no man, hold first sway in my heart. YOU are my inspiration, my wonder and passion.

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