Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Lines from February, Part 2

Hallelujah. Jesus, I'm full of longings and I'm sensitive - I don't say over sensitive, but sensitive. Ground me.
Thank You for so many sweetnesses today, planned and unplanned. Rain dissolving the snow. Sunlight. A dance party with Mom. Dad sharing crackers.
You're the best.
I keep getting invited places... VA, CA, SC, and now GA from Mrs. L.
And of course KY...oh, brother. It's beautiful and flattering and overwhelming.
My only planned trips so far are NYC and MA. And right now, I just want to be home. Want to get some real good work done, and get rid of the excess. Want to drink in great draughts of the knowledge available to me, of the nourishment & inspiration.
And already there are so many needs...that accident today that blocked 30 must have been terrible. N saw it happen. Please help him sleep tonight.
And Maidan - those images are so fresh, I loathed the slapstick body-throwing of "Wipeout" tonight. Sometimes all I want to do is wrap people in my arms and just kiss them and calm them. Or weep. We're not meant for all this brutishness. And yet it's fact, and it's in me too. Give me strength and tenderness. Your sap for my limp limbs.

And help me get over myself more often, and not be so self-conscious. Help me risk for You - if everyone really does like me, it doesn't speak well of my stance on truth. Right? Or am I echoing the combative people I disagree with? Merh.
You said as much Yourself. Make me a true prophet.

Kind Lord.
Today was my first "Conflict Resolution" day and I don't know how well it went...
I ate lunch (the first half, anyway) in my room watching a BrenĂ© Brown talk on shame, rather than at the table with strife. I don't know if that helped anything or made it more uncomfortable. I can do that sometimes.

Thanks for a lovely day anyway. A full walk, though shod. Spontaneous invite from K, which gave us the chance to catch up and make plans for staying over next month.
Thank You for library books and stollen with Dad, for spots of sunlight, for the feeling of sloppy gesso brushed against a board. I've missed this.
Do amazing things through me, Almighty God. Get all the glory. Don't You give up on me.

P.S. Wanted to say that I remember distinctly 2 parts of my dreams last night: cleaning the bathroom, and trying to commit suicide in an old barn by drinking cow's, chicken's, and pig's blood in plastic cups, crushing the whole thing into my mouth. I think I'd managed to stuff down one of each before Mom and Dad found me. So then, of course, I stopped and was safe.

Today I discovered I have a savings bond from Grandpa, from April '91. For $50.
Oh, Daddy, wrap me in a bear hug. Siphon out all these polluted thoughts and this boundishness - I've not been very focused on my work today. Balked at everything focused and intensive.
But thanks for morning prayer with Mom and Dad, and the confidence that You use this lumpy stuff to make something useful and beautiful in the end.
Lord, You're more, and You want to be more, than I'm letting You be.
Unfold to me. Give me eyes to see the farthest constellations in You.

I feel like I've been SO UNPRODUCTIVE today. It's highly irritating.
At the same time, it's a good reminder.
If I forget these things, remind me. Thanks for last layers of gesso, first pages of Solzhenitsyn, mixtape poems coming together. Thanks for Father Brown and tomfoolery with Dad - "Year tea! Millisecond tea!" (weak tea).
For a baby with a name. For train tickets.
Thanks for S's prayers (and how she wants Your guidance, and how ready she is to sew clothes for orphans).

Show us Your face. I'm stupidly eager for it. A terrible, distracted, whining hunter, but a hunter nonetheless, and I must find You.
Please play hide and seek like little P? Tell me where You're hiding. Hide there over and over. Make noise if I'm playing dumb.
Because You really want to be found, don't You?
Use all this more than I can imagine.
Put Your words in me.

Quarter of midnight.
Today was a contra day, but I didn't go. Sort of a let-down. But by the end I was thankful. It was a good day, off as I felt for part of it. The dogs were pretty good. Saw a possum in the front yard on my way over. It looked like some homely little huddled mutt at first, but it walked away with a sticky, slow gait and the tail was ratlike, and the face shone ghostly.
I gave it time and a wide berth. I don't imagine they attack people generally, but I conjure up images of ugly teeth.

Well, outside today was so sweetly overpowering. Beauty everywhere on my walk - sunset on one end, rising gibbous moon on the other. Such a fresh sky. I am small and have garlic breath and a lot of dirty thoughts. I don't suppose the gouging principle applies to brains?
I'm sorry. Jesus, I need to take this seriously. I am so deeply prideful and disdainful. Forgive me, Lord. I want to change.
Help me know how to pray for J. The things You want, not just things I can tell him or look back on like prophecy. This is about You. Help him see clearly, truly, with Your love that doesn't sugar coat, but allows us to see with grace (the only real way).

I hate the role women play in war.

Finally visited the catalpa today. Gave taxes a little effort, though I still seem to feel my brains oozing out when I sit down to worksheets. Dad is a big help. Too big a help. I'm dependent.

The Weepies's "Gotta Have You" was in my head randomly yesterday, so I looked it up today. So catchy. And applies in Your case. I really can let go of anything else. HELP ME do it. I have nothing that I did not receive. Here I am, afraid again. Speak deep peace to me. You've won me; satisfy me. Show me what faithfulness looks like. I love You. You love me more.

Happy Birthday, brother! Oh, J. Ah! He lights up my life.
Mom told me she asked God what she should pray for me this morning, and His answer was, "a whole heart." That means a lot right now, especially since I mentally said, "This is breaking my heart" about the Ns this morning. And the church situation makes me feel so split and sad. And Syria... God, make my heart whole and steady.
Make this day count. I kind of just want it over. Stop me.
Help me match Your stride.

O Lord. I've just been weeping over "Winter on Fire", and now again, on hearing that A & N are engaged! O Father. 3+ years ago we started praying for him daily (though I haven't kept it up for 2 1/2).
But Your hand...somehow You make beauty out of ashes. Dry bones. Dead dead. O God, make us live! Ukraine, and their marriage, and make me someone You can use, not a delicate useless thing but a strong and beautiful one. Help me not give in to fear or bitterness.
Make my heart ever more like Yours, soft and quick to forgive, merciful and ready to sacrifice, because justice is costly. You paid it all.
O Lover.

My Dear. Thank You... it's been a full last 29 hours (so specific!). Thank You for the safety You gave last night to the Steve Taylor Trust Talk and back. Thanks for good time with B and time to reconnect with others.
But that feeling of celebrity was a little tiresome, especially from the outside. It felt like a bunch of 40/50-year-old hipsters - grateful they knew what was cool before it was cool. I'm not being fair. I'm probably just jealous. But that's how it felt. Wished it had been more of a lecture, or more intimate, or just less like a fan club's walk down memory lane. Oh well. There were good aspects, for sure. I'm glad we went.
Some of the parts I found most helpful were, "Good work makes its own way", "~Asking questions and being non-judgmental invites people", "~If we are students of the Bible, we don't need to write propaganda...the mind of Christ will permeate the work", "~God is the source of the gifts, we give them back to Him."
I guess those are a lot of good things.
Thanks for music with N this afternoon. Mom singing "Sadie Hawkins Dance" WITH US. Never thought that would happen. :)

Make tonight a night of pure delight. Feast us on Your goodness. Remind us that we are not alone. Help us to be put at ease in Your presence. Help me to be at peace, in good humor, ready for whatever. Help us all engage with each other. May each person feel wanted and loved. May each one hear or experience something personally meaningful. Make this a night of laughter.

Christopher Columbus, what richness.
I've just been sipping red wine and reading John 1 (half reading, half reciting). It's been a visity sort of day, wonderful and dizzying. Got a few things done this morning, but just as much is built up to do.
Help me paint tonight, and touch You. Please use me more and more for only good. Show me where and when and how to give & love. I'm bad at it. But make me free, help me just trust You with whatever I'm able to do.

Thank You, Lord, for Psalm 132. And for this wonky night, fitful sleep, because it still reminds me You want me.
Whoosh. Help me settle out again. I was telling A last night that the last week has really helped me relax, breathe, because I don't have to be on the edge of my seat, I know I'm not going to hear anything today or tomorrow. And I can pray.

Lord, Your words convict me. I want to hear Your word and keep it. I want to be with You and not against You, gathering, not scattering. But I feel in myself this desire to have done with it. To do some dramatic thing that will prove my devotion but in reality absolve me of any further obligations. Giving everything at once, and blindly, is harder than moment by moment, piecemeal. Easier to say, "Everything is Yours!" than trust You when You take a tooth, an eye, my fertility... but all of these are Yours; I don't want to pretend that I belong to myself anymore. I want safety and comfort, it's true. But please give them to me ONLY through You. Remind me.

I'm so chronically self-absorbed. But I trust that You're growing me, and even where I'm pathetically behind, there's grace. Use all of me. Increase.

Leap year. What an interesting day. 4 years ago I was in Italy. Tomorrow begins March, which feels scarily like spring, which leads to summer, and the year will be half over...
"Slow me down, Lord."
This was a very good day. Homey, punctuated with solid work and some chores and sweet down time. Walking with Mom. Eating a clementine slowly, stretched out on the couch in the sun. Stitching a hook and eye into my "new" dress from A. Reading chapter 1 of "The Book of Three." And polishing three pairs of shoes and a purse. Chatting with A just now.

Lord of Hosts, express me. Clarify me. Drink me up. I'm so thick with everything... people, mostly. Wants. Too many things. Shifty vision. I want to really know You. Nobody else is right. I'm not right.
I feel this stubborn fear rising up in me again. This wish to be in some other moment. But this is all I have. Help me dig with a will into it, into You, to trust You with my haphazardness.
Please Yourself.

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