Earthy Day, March 18 2019

This morning I sneezed and my lips split in two places.
Felt very earthy today. Unspiritual. In the sense of, not feeling motivated to do anything difficult. Not feeling purposeful or particularly hopeful. Begging to be distracted, to procrastinate. But the day was still shot through with grace.
Or punctured and plugged with grace, like garlic in mutton.

I managed to paint in the morning, even with a late start. And class was so sweet. We made good headway. I copied an amaryllis bud with the leftover puddles of paint, and it turned out OK.
I made mujadara, and almost cried over the aroma. I took a walk down to the hollow before dinner. I wrote friends, I remembered the anniversary.

I've been screen-hungry, impatient. But thank You for helping me reach toward You anyway. Please satisfy me on Yourself. Help me live each day with Temperance and Fortitude. 

Conde Nast, February 12, 2019

That quote by Goethe yesterday was like a punch in the gut. About learning to love what must be done, not looking to discover what we love. Can that be true? I believe You're showing me and helping me to pursue what I love, to be who You made me to be. But I could take that too far, couldn't I?
I could decide the whole of existence was about doing what I love and staying interested, and I could begin to view life like a Conde Nast magazine. 

Spent, February 10 2019

After we dropped him off at the airport, I was spent. Thanks for helping me even in my gathering sullenness and displeasure, and for helping me get away for a while, comatose on the bed. Then I read. I browsed Facebook to mixed benefit. Reading O'Connor was probably helpful over all; her characters are so relatable and repellant. Mom made up the rest of the lamb, with stewed turnips and carrots and green beans and onions. A tasty dinner helped.

My life is not about me, it's not mine to control, and my self-realization and pleasure and dreams are not the point. Yet I have been made with particular strengths and weaknesses, particular needs, unique dreams and passions.
I should not neglect those. I should search my heart. I should use whatever gifts God has given me. I should be prepared and alert.
I should do everything in love.
I want this year to be marked by love. My life must be marked by dangerous love. Please prepare me. I refuse to die cold. 

Haiku for Omnivores, February 10 2019

TONIGHT WE ATE A LAMB
I RECALLED IT WAS A LAMB
WE WERE WEARING RED

Haiku for a Snow Day, January 29 2019

YOU KNOW WHAT'S IN NOW?
COTTON. ALL THE TREES HAVE IT.
SNOW DAY FOR THE WIN.

Murica, January 29 2019

I live here, and I take a lot of things for granted, but I get fed up. I find so many things unconscionable. It would be difficult to live with a person like that...especially in the States. I've already admitted I don't want the American Dream! Will I be a pain to live with? Dealing with guilt, with cognitive dissonance? Preaching at everyone, judging people who, in their own minds, are living normal reasonable responsible lives?
Where are the prophets? Who will shake us up? Am I here to be comfortable, or to pour myself out?

Oh God. Keep me, keep me looking at You. You care about justice for the oppressed. You love the poor. You are their advocate. You bless those who give their lives to serve the unwanted. You want all of us. You tear down princes from their thrones, and lift up the humble. You turn our weakness into strength. You desire truth in the innermost parts. You give wisdom. You reward those who wait for You. You move mountains when we have faith, are obedient. You do not want anyone to perish, but all to live. 

American Football, January 21 2019

I did get invested in the game, and the last quarter (into overtime) was so intense I had to remind myself to breathe. I wanted the Chiefs to win, but the conclusion was pretty satisfactory anyway. A really good game. Tough calls by refs, but I agreed with most of them.

I'd watch more football if I cared like this, but it wouldn't be good for me. It's such a strange world. And once you buy into it, you forget a lot of other realities. You forget how messed up it is. You forget the shameful amounts of money. The toxic masculinity. The sex trafficking. The brain damage. The beer commercials - or at least, you forget what they're trying to sell you. You get a little brainwashed, feel a little more American.