What Would I Wish, May 29 2020

"True life is lived when tiny changes occur." (Tolstoy).

I am living true life. 

Please help me pray. Please help me love. Please use me only for good. 

Please give me ways to stand up for what is right. Thinking about Ahmaud Arbery, George Floyd, and so so so so many others. What if one day it is my son? What would I wish I had been saying and doing now?

The Day You Just Wasted - May 25 2020

When one thing ends, another starts. This is my whole future. Whatever tomorrow is supposed to be, please help me live it and not be anxious, ashamed for taking today slow or for any other reason. You have given me so much. 

"The day you just wasted is the day that someone who died yesterday wanted so badly to have."

This scares me, and it doesn't take You into account, but the truth in it should galvanize me. This is my one life. Will I live it to be sexy? To get whatever I want next? For a good reputation? 

Will I push hard because I'm afraid to stop? Will I be too afraid of failure or mistakes to push hard? Will I always be comparing? 

Free me, please, Lord Jesus!

Help me to learn what this time should be. To use whatever I have to worship You. Thank You, thank You, for never giving up on me and for all the ways You get my attention. And for correcting me, and healing me, and wounding me. 

Sweet Spot, May 23 2020

I'm savoring this sweet spot. It's how I feel about this time, in general. The last week has been pretty sweet. There's a kind of safety in unknowing - we can't do much, can't make any plans. So here we are. Reading, eating, gardening, painting, having phone calls, cooking, sleeping, watching K-dramas. Our troubles are fairly small. Most of my grievances are minor and petty. I have so much to be thankful for. Help me keep my hands open, live this time fully, and enter the next season with courage, sobriety, and hope. 

Bare Minimum, May 2020

It's easy to blame myself. And then exonerate myself. And return with, "You just don't want to acknowledge your laziness and lack of love. You've basically done the bare minimum as a friend".

I've tried to be encouraging, but have I meant what I said? How often have I shaken my head inwardly,  "Can't X just get over XXX?"
I have been relieved at our distance. I have been quick to think "not my problem". I do need to have boundaries, I'm no one's savior. Yet, is this love?
Is this how Jesus would see the sufferings, the sensitivities, the illnesses of others?
Please help, Lord. Show me what is true, and help me to accept it. 

Listless, May 8 2020

Dear Jesus, please help me. I feel very gray and stupid. Wanting things inordinately. Being horribly careless about other things and people.

I want to be able to shop at BB's and thrift stores and to borrow movies from the library. I want to swing dance and contra dance, and sing at church, and hold babies, and pet dogs. And I want to play music with friends.

I don't want to talk on the phone. And I'm itchy to check messages, but at the same time I don't want to reply to anything. And my food feels tiresome and monotonous. And my work feels the same. I don't feel much need for money, although I guess I'd rather make it than not.

It's cold and damp outside. I am such a spoiled, ignoble humbug. Please. Help.
Please stir me up to love again. Help me do the next little thing attentively, willingly, obediently, joyfully.

The Most Pathetic Love, May 1 2020

I'm in another spike of magnetism. It might be hormonal. But that's boring. I do need hope for  a little  romance in my life. And to not always look at it through snide, self-critical, self-conscious eyes. That's the most pathetic thing of all, and shows a weak affected sort of love, that can't stand to seem ridiculous. Please help me have a firm, bold, self-forgetful love. And to have hope that I can be loved that way, in return. 

Few and Far Between, April 26, 2020

How strange it is to find myself at a place of ill preparation and low motivation for everything I've really wanted to do. For marriage and motherhood. Adoption. For a career in art. Even for sustained, supportive, close friendship.

Is this what growing up is like? Discovering everything you want is hard, and you may not even like it, and the days your choice and your passion coincide are few and far between? I hope not.