No Lie

There is more beauty in truth
even if it is
a dreadful
beauty,

even if it wrecks
the gut, plaits cords of fear
so tight it seems
there is no unbinding them.

No, no lie
comes from the truth,
the truth that slips cool hands
around the graspable side,
that opens mouth to teeth and teeth
to tongue and tongue
to where it hinges.

Fingers are not nerved enough
to read the Braille written
over every thing. If they were,
we would still die asking
"was this enough?"
or crying
"you are yet unjust."

And what
of beauty? All I know
is I must choose to plow soil
or throw stones.


---
"There is more beauty in truth, even if it is a dreadful beauty."  John Steinbeck, "East of Eden."
"No lie comes from the truth." 1 John 2:21 NIV

Brumal

The birds are blithe today because
it is warm for the first time in weeks.
Since the ice storm, we have all be conserving,
a little desperate,
resigned to yet another snow.

Small animals have stripped bare
the broken branches of the crabapple
which cracked under weight of ice and are now
half submerged in white. The bark
is peeled away by their sharp teeth.

My father shoveled a path to the back deck, yesterday.
And yesterday a half-eaten rabbit
froze on the stones.
Today a white throated sparrow
stood on my finger and picked seeds
from my hand
held out the window.

Patch of Land (a love song)

If I had a patch of land
I would be planting this year
sewing a seam in the knee of your overalls

     If I had needle and if I had thread
     nothing would tear us apart
     I'd just be sitting here
     stitching you into my heart

On that far hill there's the smoke
of an open fire
branches have come down, but new shoots are growing up

     If I had needle and if I had thread

     nothing would tear us apart

     I'd just be sitting here

     stitching you into my heart

Grow us a sapling

and tie it with ribbons in spring

nail up the rafters, make homes for the sparrows to sing

    If I had needle and if I had thread

    nothing would tear us apart

    I'd just be sitting here

    stitching you into my heart

Sogni d'oro

From the Troubadour
To the Dawn

I looked and saw a window
I looked and saw a chair
I looked and saw a stairwell
and you were there.

I saw what I was meant to be
large as the western sea
high as its battlements
soft as the fallow field
       in the farmer's mind
       (is soft)

my roots were cedar roots,
they will not move.

I felt the warmth around my ears,
glowing down my neck like sunlight,
spreading over my shoulders like hands
from one behind.

As one grows up to a great sorrow
and sees all of childhood colored
to that one loss,

so I saw my life
was called to this sweet song.
Called from the time I pulled weeds
on the northern slope,
from the time I lay my head
on my father's knee.

From the Troubadour
To the Dawn

I turned, and saw our flock
like Jacob's flock,
Jacob's flocks and herds,
Jacob's sons and daughters,
blessed from the bottom of the belly,
sent out over mountains,
named and blessed.

And could I live like this?
If God is calling you to dance,
do you resist?

When Psyche saw Him in the light,
                        was she surprised?
                     
From the Troubadour
To the Dawn

Each swinging door,
each figure carved by hand!
I understand.

Lines from the months of this last year: November and December

November



1. All Saints'
Thank You for being my God. For being all I need, all I really care about, when it comes down to it. I just love You.
Waste Nothing.


2.
Dear Jesus,
All my life You have led. Lead me now, through all this woodsy woodsen. It's not a bog. Where I don't see, I am protected (cf. George MacDonald).


2(3).
Lord,
Do I transgress? Show me true righteousness. Rooted in love.


7.
Lord, I DO want to understand. And I DO WANT TO KNOW YOU.


11.
Thank You for the safe trip back, sweet time in the airport with C. and J., the man asking if we were twins or at least sisters.
Alim Qasimov.



12.
Aching to work.

Thank You for this blessed and very beautiful life You allow me to live.
Keep leading.


17.
Jesus. Your many, many kindnesses. What You started You will complete. You do not bring to the moment of birth and then not give delivery (Is. 65).
Do not abandon the work of Your hands.
All of tired, delighted, soul-hungry me.

A.'s tea in the morning. Fog, barefoot.


18.
Lord, thank You for Dad just coming in and saying the perfect things. About being an artist/creator - about realizing that all my life comes out in my work, and is necessary for breaking up fallow ground, being patient, knowing that the real work is often outside the typewriter.


24.
Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'"
-Matt. 4:4 NIV

Pour YOURSELF. All the things I can't describe. All the inner longings to see You.
So much in me burns and longs and heaves. Stoke me, temper me. Guide my passions into their places. Harness their power for good. For virtue, righteousness, obedience. Zeal for Your Name.

How can I know You better? How can I welcome Your Spirit? How can I grow, not fear, not hold back from good disciplines?


26.
Lord, my God.
How do You even have patience with a thing like me? How can You be so kind? Never let me forget.
Thank You for all the truth she pours into my life.


29(30).
I have been so easily distracted.
I want Your face, Your hands, Your love, Your embrace.
Your blood.
Thank You for our tree. Make my body more and more Your temple, holy. Help me strive to please You, not men.

"How can you believe if you accept praise from one another, yet make no effort to obtain the praise that comes from the only God?"
- John 5:44 NIV

And now I ask You for a very big thing. Bind us together in unity. Make us of ONE mind, heart, & soul - to love You and see Your kingdom come. Help us sacrifice, delight and rest, see You as You are, work with our whole hearts.
Bring back the wandering. Strengthen and encourage the weak and discouraged. Do what I can't do.





December



1.
Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace (Saint Francis). Open up the arteries. Even though I cannot do much, please use me. Help me flame out boldly, brightly.
Make me less - as long as I'm content in You. I am thankful for the Isaiah 62 favor, but man's favor is addictive and ultimately unsatisfying. Woo me to You again. Bring me gently into the stillness of Your heart.


3.
I'm awfully glad I'm here. It was strange but lovely, walking around the old haunts, my pine, the swings.
Prospects, prospects. People to see, and be seen by. Meet us all here, because what we really want is You.
Delight of my soul, my Jesus,
You are still a stranger to me. I do not know or understand You. But I want to. Wed me.


5(6).
"Love more, care less."

Thank You for dances.
Help us wait for you.
Immanuel.


8.
What is this new name You give me?
I want to be brave. To have an anointed tongue. To be a peacebringer.

"I think you are the first sip of new milk." (Jessica Yu, "Mother Near Death")
Virgin colostrum. Your maiden mother. Why?
What need have we of prophecies, of promises?
What in this could not be otherwise?
"Something there is that doesn't love a wall." (Frost, "Mending Wall")


8(9).
Love us up.

You are
I AM
i am
Your mother
         sister
still a child
I crave You
firstborn, still unsuckled.


14. Feast of Santa Lucia
Help us really be real, these next few days. Trust each other and you, not play it safe. Help me know how to talk about what matters. Help me KNOW what matters, have open ears.
Go before us, multiply our gifts, disperse our bread, take these many broken pieces and feed a multitude. And satisfy US on Yourself - Your body and blood. We are so hungry for You.
May this be the beginning of something new. Make a Sabbath in my heart.


15.
Communion today was mulled wine
passed between us in a blue and white china cup.


Letter to Santa:

a phone
Danielson: A Family Movie
new paintbrushes
a gramophone
red shoes
humility
chickens and a goat
true love



18.
Thank You Lord, for caring so deeply, so well. For breakfast with T. - a celebration, a feast.
I've been washing dishes, giving back massages, sharing food, but mostly receiving - so much.
Cream, cream, I'm walking in a dream. Headstrong, walking headlong into open arms,
a kiss.

Bless Your holy Name. Jesus.


19.
"She had that spontaneous quality of aliveness which illuminates people who have already done a lot of their dying."
-Madeleine L'Engle, Summer of the Great-Grandmother

Guide my way, all my thoughts and emotions, as I depart, travel, and return home tomorrow. By Your Spirit, which dwells in me, comfort and remind me of all I should know and remember.
Give me a noble heart.

"The path of the righteous is level;
O upright One, you make the way of the righteous smooth.
Yes, LORD, walking in the way of your laws, we wait for you;
your name and renown are the desire of our hearts.
My soul yearns for you in the night;
in the morning my spirit longs for you.
When your judgements come upon the earth,
the people of the world learn righteousness."
-Isaiah 26:7-9 NIV

"If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"
-Matt. 6:11 NIV


21.
HOME. Has it ever been more lovely?


22.
Ah, that old warm, loud, happy, silly, beer-scented, cuddling ruckus that is the gathering of these families.


28.
I just asked Dad if he minded closing my door. He paused, and said,
"Only if it doesn't hurt," and proceeded to close his fingers into the door, yowling. He laughed as I laughed, and said,
"Why do I do things like that?"
I said,
"Because it makes life so much more fun!"

Help me love fearlessly tomorrow.


29.
Groan, intercede through me. 

Lines from the months of this last year: September and October

September



4.
Please show me how to please You.


9.
Please remind me that You never forget about me.
I'm never forgotten or neglected for a little while - You are ALWAYS involved, loving. Wooing.


16.
Tonight, after reading Hebrews 1 to J., I said,
"Just think. There might be an angel in this room right now."
-pause-
J: "It's you."
Me: (pause, laughter) "Oh!"
J: "Did you only just get that? Tzss."
Me: "I thought you said, 'Achoo,' like the whole thing where if you sneeze it blows the angel off your shoulder, and someone saying 'bless you' puts it back on. I was waiting and thinking about saying 'bless you.'"


17.
She called while I was home alone. I knew it was something bad. Mom called her while still in the driveway, and sobbed and prayed while I tried to unload the groceries, needing something to do.
When Mom came in and told me we cried together. It was especially hard waiting for Dad and J. to come home, because Mom knew she'd have to tell him.
Most of the day since then has been phone calls, processing, reading/watching the news, and prayer.
Psalm 79 and Hebrews 2, my readings for today, were fitting, comforting.
Lord, make good grow from this hard, sad day.


19.
Today has been one of those days where I remember how it felt to move, or to start college, or to travel far away on my own. Sort of raw, sick, yet attuned and eager and prayerful.
Mom and Dad left today. They've called home twice.


28.
Thank You, Jesus, that life is so much more than sex and beer. But thank You, even so, for the Renaissance Faire. There were a few redeeming things. Friends, costumes, mad skills, peasant dances - yes.
And You.
          Oh, I need and love You.
Love You most of all.


30.
Jesus.
Thank You that You have given me such a love with You... I don't have to run elsewhere - even when I do, they are only empty, idols. You alone are my heart's desire.
You are so kind, You know me through and through.
You do not despise me.
I am often childish, wrong, sinful, silly -
but even in that You draw my heart to some exalted place, some glory I can't even name or pin down - joy. Solace, comfort, meaning. Zeal. Love that desires while it satisfies. Wabi-sabi. Perfection found in the imperfect. Beauty, that is.
I love the light. I love Your touch. I love Your Words.
I love You.


"Love that loves us,
Thank You."

- from Terrance Malick's To the Wonder (which I have not seen)




October


3.
To Whom do I belong?
To You.
To Whom does the work of my hands belong?
To You.

It's official, again. Help me remember that tomorrow. Help me be winsome, so that You will be honored. Give me energy, kindness, insight, words.



4(5).
It was very good. Magical. It was, I believe, covered with Your presence. Thank You. And for such fun and silliness!

Thank You for the dear souls who came. So many people, Lord. I pray You would cover over any sin or weakness of mine, speak from every aspect of what was shared...
So many are hurting. So many are lonely. I, myself, am so small and naked and needy of You. Thank You that I can be vulnerable before You without fear. And that You do not despise Your captive people.
Open the way, I pray. And give me patience and grace in the meantime, to flourish where I'm planted, to love right where I am.


7(8).
Help me have just enough light for each step, and the courage and faith to go.
Thank You for this dreary day with a wedding sunset. For glimpses of Your plan singing out. "Some clear joy is coming..." -Karen Peris


8.
No brave chickadee ever
came to my window.

The slack skin between finger & thumb.


9.
The second breathtaking sunset in a row.

Give me FAITH and PEACE and a warm, confident, quiet flexibility. You answer prayer. You are endlessly faithful and kind. All I ever am is Yours.


11.
Out of the overflow...
Remind me of the things You told me in Italy.
Remind me that You desire me. That You love my love. Show me Your face.


15.
Keep making music through A.


16(17).
We were singing & teasing and talking back and forth between the studio and guest room, as he worked and I painted.


20.
Oh, thank You for those prayers. That kind of sincerity and care so quickly expressed. For Your Spirit, convicting me. Reminding me of the importance of obedience. Obedience, which builds trust. For Isaiah 58-64. Your justice, and Your mercy and compassion. Your unimaginable love. Please keep me coming back to You, again and again, never doubting that Your way is best and most satisfying.
I am so quickly enticed. Help this not be a barrier, but a gateway.


22.
J: "Don't be Moses."


24.
Lord, so many weird things, rising to a head.
I'm all juiced up now, high and flighty and not sure how I'm supposed to go to sleep.


26.
"The LORD is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
...Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you."

-Psalm 116: 5, 7 NIV


31.
Joy today. At the catalpa, spruce.
Thank You for letting me live.

Lines from the months of this last year: July and August

July


4.
Please show me how Your power and promises can fill and become my very day, my life.
Help us find You. Hunt us.


6.
Lord Jesus.
Am I getting any closer? Any nearer You? I feel as far - maybe farther...
But You held me, cared for me, came back for me this morning. We are all safe in our rooms. We are safe, but I feel so sick. Wrong. Like I couldn't get past the awful wall. To to be sullen and blame him for something. Had to make sure everyone understood my martyrdom, or my annoyance, or just appreciated me. Lord, I am ill. I need You. Not a single other "Like" for my art -
just You, You, You.
Thank You for grace. For keeping me unhappy when I'm not looking at You.
Remind me I am Yours and then let me FORGET myself.
May we not fear truth.

O Lord, You died for me. Of course You care. Of course You're coming back.


7.
Thank You for this heathen (yet not) morning with J.
Skipping church while Mom & Dad were out. Eating cornbread, driving to the corporate center and "drifting," speeding, skidding. Eating wild raspberries. Turning up the music and dancing on the grass. Watching water in a cup vibrate.
J. made a bomb. I read & wrote. Dad called Mom to see the clouds. Mom called me. I called J. And we all went outside to see the glory.
A big thunderhead was coming in. Mom got concerned. Dad and J. stayed by the fire. I went on the deck. We had dinner watching the storm and listening to Beethoven. LAUGHED.


13.
Help me make my family more themselves. To paint boldly, and trust You. I am reminded that worry, carefulness can absolutely KILL art. Kill worship, exploration. May it never be. But do, do give me patience, help me make the most of this malleable time, and love well in it. Hear Your voice more and more.


15.
Thank You for loving me with all Your waves and breakers.


18.
Lord.
Good morning. I bless Your Name. For You loved and saw, and You love and see, everyone. Thank You for allowing me to be Yours. To lean on You, follow You like a clingy dancer.
Thank You for having compassion on me. Helping along even my most pitiful baby steps.


19.
"Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final."

-Rilke


24.
I want to be like the Marys. Your servant, your friend, doing beautiful things, listening at Your feet.
May I decrease.


27.
Please help me let go. I am too full of small, tight little fears. Self-protective, and self-destructive.
I want to live carefree before You,
because You care for me.


31.
Lord,
Help me get rid of this shallow funk. Have zeal for You. Not be slothful, but desire and pursue righteousness, not comfort and entertainment. That is so much of my day, or at least my thought process, it seems.
But let's count some blessings:
A cooler day. I could both RUN midday and walk with Mom later.
I'm not sick. Poetic, isn't it? (Chesterton)
I have a pleasant room.
I slept with the window open two nights in a row.
Today I got lovely letters from K. and S.
J. and I made faces at each other through the kitchen window while he mowed the grass and I washed dishes.
I shopped with Mom this morning, bought fruit and goat cheese and shared it.
We had sausage for dinner, and it was delicious and I wasn't queasy.
I did a backward somersault in my room (though not a forward one).
Dad bought me two books of vintage stamps.
Mrs. D. gave us zucchini and cukes and told me I could take cleome (spider flower) seeds. Smelled like basil and honeysuckle.
H. is engaged.
I know how to read.
I have 10 long fingernails.
Mom bought me 7 yogurts. They taste funny, like fabric softener, but could be worse.
My first zinnia is blooming.
My boards are here, gessoed, and the first layer painted.
Our new fridge is working.
There is glorious music (Aradhna, Welcome Wagon).
I am well-supplied in every necessity.

Lord, praise Your Name.
For these things and the better presence of You, here working.




August.



1.
May all be clear and pure between us. Purify me. Merciful Lord.
You have been my hope since my childhood.
Your pleasure is my highest goal.
Show my Your jealousy. We could write a good romance. Yes, I am referencing Lady Gaga.



4.
Oh, so many of us, Lord. So many faces, histories, hearts...
so many headed toward death some day not far from now, and needy of You.
Come, Emmanuel,
with us, to us,
woo us.
A man woos by loving, pursuing gently & persistently. Showing his character, proving that he can be trusted.


7.
You never know what can happen, what can change, wherever you are.

"Oaks of righteousness"... deep roots needed. Oaks take time to establish.
But they grow tall & strong, and live a long time.


8.
How incredible. The day has finally come.

I pray for

GENTLENESS that we may be sensitive to You and each other, feel safe, cherished and understood.

PATIENCE with ourselves, our circumstances, each other.

COURAGE to move forward in our friendships, not fearing rejection or discomfort.

JOY that we may fully enter into the beauty of what You are doing in H. & F.'s lives, our lives, our world.

GOODNESS that we may take pleasure in all truly good and whole things, not content ourselves with cheap substitutes. That we may desire and love YOU first.
TRUST in You and each other (and perhaps even ourselves?) that we would continue to grow in our confidence and respect, love and appreciation for You & one another, and be content while moving forward.
KINDNESS to all people we encounter, from other semesters, on the road, in our thoughts. Enlarge us and confirm our efforts at hospitality.
PEACE that whatever complications may arise, or whatever difficulties we leave at home, or whatever time crunches or relational strains this trip may cause, that we would come to You for rest and solace. That we would find our still point in You. And a shalom in Your presence. May we acknowledge Your presence, welcome it, recognize Your constant invitation into it.
FAITHFULNESS: May we be true to You, each other, and ourselves. Not neglect or forget anything to which we owe fealty. May we do this quietly.
SELF-CONTROL: May we show deference and restraint in our interactions and activities. Keep calm under pressure, show temperance, battle covetousness with thanks. May we praise You in all things, for all things. In spite of anything.
LOVE that we may know that power that sustains the world, that holds our lives and eternity so firmly and tenderly. That we may know and love YOU.


9.
The hugging was enormous.


13.
What is all this about if not grace?
Lord, I must have a reason to get up each morning. I must be needed. I must be loved. Show me what I'm meant to be doing here.
How can I rest when everything could be indulgence? How not fall into sloth, sluggishness, guilt? Help me find a new home-rhythm. One that truly prepares me for life, for love, for service. Where am I still weak?
And now, Lord, where do I look?
My hope is in You. Help me not feel cheap, for any reason. Help me live transparently, decreasing, but magnifying You.
                         Perseids.
Help me do beautiful things to You.
Today I wanted to cut my hair. I felt fat again. I felt beastly and incapable of any constancy, any good. The euphoria of the trip seemed a little fanciful. I felt stupid hula-hooping to the TV show. It felt stupid. If I were at school, I think I would go to the cairn. Let Your wild, quiet heart put me back into sorts. Never leave me. Please never give up on me.
And give me patience, perseverance, love for this time. There are so many people. I don't know how to behave. And I get most bitey and impatient with those I love most. Please forgive me. Help me start tomorrow fed on Your grace, hope, courageous love.


15.
"The point was that now I knew it didn't matter whether or not I understood. It didn't matter because even if I didn't understand, there was something there to be understood."
-Madeleine L'Engle, "The Moon By Night," p. 208


16.
Thank You for waking me ~4am to come look at the glorious sky.


19.
Lord, You are my one comfort. Please help me heal. Help me sleep tonight. Renew me again, make me less of a wuss: cowardly, weak, ineffectual. Life is always adjusting to one thing or another, isn't it? But we're headed somewhere. This is not a closed system. Hallelujah. Thank You for Israel.


26.
"Meekness is teachability. It is the readiness to be shown, which includes the readiness to lay down my fixed notions, my objections and 'what ifs' or 'but what abouts,' my certainties about the rightness of what I have always done or thought or said."

-Elisabeth Elliot


30.
"I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry."
-Psalm 40:1 NIV

Seamus Heaney died today.