The Seed Has to Split, July 15 2019

Dear Jesus,

You are everything good, and everything I need. The real nutmeat. The presence without which everything would fall apart.

I want to say yes to You, but I feel myself aloof, guarded, wanting guarantees. What next?! Could you convince me I'm mistaken? I'm having nightmares as it is. Particle and wave.

Please show me my dreams. Could I live in one place? Home is so dear, but now and then the sound of my own chewing drives me mad. I have to be cut open and stretched apart to be useful and not rot, now that I am dead finally. The seed has to split for the new tree.

Help, Bother July 15 2019

Help, bother, forgive me.
Feeling discouraged and so wanting to keep a bitter chip on my shoulder.
It's probably a salt and vinegar chip.
I should probably eat it.

Diva, July 14 2019

I felt smothered. I waited to reply. And thought morosely,
I really haven't missed her. 
Am I a diva?

Enough of Me, July 7 2019

I'm in one of those phases. Fazes. Dazes. For days. Want to get tangled up. Go-to comfort. Probably for the best I don't have it, but help me. I want to feel more. I keep wishing something would happen. And also, feeling nothing should. I feel too old and tired for starting over. And too young and wild for settling down. I'm grinning now. There's enough. Enough water in my glass, enough oxygen, enough fish in the sea, enough of me.
Here's to You.

A Hard Time Being Here, June 28 2019

I'm worn out. Feeling like a nap, like privacy, like I need to catch up in every way. I don't feel ready for this. I just keep getting disappointed and annoyed, and being selfish doesn't help, and being a martyr doesn't help, so once again I remember the Gospel and count myself forgiven and accepted, loved and covered and OK.
Please please Lord Jesus don't let me miss this. Miss out on it, squander it. I'm having a hard time being here. I want to blame somebody for it. Please forgive me. Cleanse and heal me.

An Hour Can Topple Me, June 22 2019

Thank You for catching my heart and making it hurt. Thank You for reminding me how stupidly two-faced I am, and how You love and forgive me anyway.

Please keep on, because an hour can topple me. Maybe I need to be facedown, flat, for a while. Just to know You're holding me on the firm dark floor, and I have nothing to prove. 

In the Details, June 20 2019

Thank You for answering my prayer and helping me capture that fly, so annoying in the kitchen. He bumped into my eyebrow and arm and I heard myself bluster, "This is unacceptable!" and felt myself smile. When I turned off other lights he followed me to the bathroom, where I was able to corner and catch him mid-air with a Lysol wipe. Thanks a lot.
Man. Reading L.B. talking about You, about not believing You can be involved in all the little intimate daily ways, intervening, since how could You allow genocide? makes me ask myself how I see You. So much of the reason why I believe in You and love You is because I believe we have a relationship, and that You are constantly involved in every aspect of my life. I come into trouble when I ignore or forget that. Please show me Yourself in this time; I don't want to putter, eating mustard pretzels and watching Disney movies and making a pretty picture or two. I want to be like a force of nature, changing things, helping things grow. 

What I Want, May 28 2019

Is it enough to say,
"I wanted to"?
It is not enough for me.
And so I want a reason
And a rule. It is what I want.
If that is not enough for you,
I am not sorry. 

Showing Up, May 24 2019

Does anyone fast and pray? Does anyone listen into silence, or listen while looking into the face across from them? Who pursues with love, instead of listening to podcasts and reading online articles? Who hangs out on the living room floor at midnight?
I'm not very good at being that person. Even parts of tonight's visit felt perfunctory. But I want to keep showing up, and I want You to use me.
You keep showing me Yourself as I show up.