Friday, November 4, 2016

Lines from September, Part 2

Caro Gesu,
This is better already, kneeling to be with You.
I am bitter, ill, and need You. I need You. Save me. I am not strong. I will only self-destruct, I cannot make anything true or lovely. This world is too loose, and too tight, all in the wrong places, it seems.

Open up to me. Put me in place, let me feel the whir of Your activity, around and in me. Humming and endless.
Help me wait - wait - for Your words to dissolve on my tongue.
They are not fast food.

Thanks for Mom coming in and not leaving right away, giving me a chance to speak, praying. Please help me not hide. Help me walk toward the light, even if it is nothing but a pinpoint.

John 14
Psalm 150
I made it back safely from my "11-11" day out. To the S's with H, to contra with the gang. I drove 110.9 miles. So nearly 111.
It was a pleasure to be with those folks. And back to contra after 9 months.

Lord, I want my dimes to go to Your work. I want my life to be at Your disposal, whole and in all its particulars. My car, when it comes. My time... ugh, my time! My energy, including my emotional and mental energy. My clothes and books. My body, my appearance, my food. All my paintings. I DO still think too much about my career, my "famous someday", my power and influence.

I really do want my attention to be focused at the heart of things. The things that last, that aren't things. You and Your Word, souls.
Thanks that Dad's class went so well. That he prayed for me in the car today.

"I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." Jn. 10:10

"My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me." Jn 10:27

"Tell me, you whom I love, where you graze your flock and where you rest your sheep at midday.
Why should I be like a veiled woman beside the flocks of your friends?" SoS 1:7

I don't feel settled. I'm like a shell, wandering from room to room in search of something. Checking off my to-do list brings little sense of accomplishment. Even Your Word is like water by spoonfuls - I need a greater thirst, and I need it slaked.
Open me up to see what is right before me. Please give me love again. Humble me - I know that much of this is only difficult because I am in the way.
You are more important.
Jesus Christ.

Thanks for hemming me in, for stabilizing me tonight. We can do this. It will, in fact, be a glorious success. Just help me cling to You.
Love me tenderly and passionately. Stir up all my love for You. Only in this can the world see Your reality in me.

22. Sylvania, Georgia
So much in a day. This was a long, pleasant, peaceful day. Lots of time visiting with P, meeting others. J and E will probably have portraits made.
I strolled around the ponds today. It was delicious - balmy, breezy, lonely but homey at the same time. I found egrets, a heron, crows, and other birds. Fire ants found me. There were lovebugs floating in the air.
E got in ~8pm. She's in the other room tonight, since the trundle was too much work for us without Grandpop (who nodded off while she and I were talking).
P reminds me so much of M. Such a sweet and insightful woman. Kind, and strong. Intelligent. I wish I was painting her.

"Lord, it is good for (me) to be here. Let me build 1 shelter:
one for You."


Suddenly the time is flying! So little time left. Because tomorrow E and I go to Savannah to see Brother.
Today, again, was more clouds and sun than rain, which was wonderful. It gave us the chance to ride the golf cart, pick pecans, talk and explore.

We looked up genealogy, read "Hyperbole and a Half". I paced the driveway, praying and glorying in the sad longing perfection of the farm (leaping heaps of transitory beauty, present yet ungraspable). I read Alexander for a while as I paced, then cleared off a chair on the island and watched the pond. Turtles poked tiny triangle heads above the water.
E and I made salad and spaghetti for dinner, had sundaes watching "Notorious".

Another late night, but I'm glad for the evening. For Your patience with my feelings. Your perfect timing. Your way of keeping me dissatisfied with everything but You. Meet us here with the truth, which I need as much as ever tonight. I must go with You tomorrow. Keep bounding into my line of sight. Wink at me around corners, wag Your ears. Blow me kisses from passing cars and nudge me in the right direction. Bless me so that I can be a blessing, so that I can declare Your Name fearlessly, as I should. Out of the overflow of praise, no matter what ground still remains to be crossed. This may be a desert, but never let me forget how You parted the sea.

What kindness You have in You. I don't even know how. This should be tiring for You at this point, this patient steady giving of love in form after form after form - but I guess You like it. It all smacks of Your enjoyment. I love You. I love that I wanted to sing in the shower tonight. And that I feel more hopeful, like the bones rattled and shook. They may not have set themselves together, but they're making noise.

The time with E was lovely. Driving, and while we talked with Bro at Vic's on the River, and driving home, and walking around the plantation.
He met us, happy and welcoming, and it was good to see his place. A cat to love on. Two roommates. Confetti on the doorstep.
We three talked about all kinds of things. He and I wandered around Dick Blick, fingering markers and talking in that place of comfort and inspiration to us both.
He said he hears gunshots every week. He makes chicken and rice. He hopes to come home at Christmas.

Mmm, sleepy. To that dopey tired state wherein I keep myself up because I'm too tired to focus enough to progress to actual sleep.
Help me. Please show me how to be close to You. To love You and know You and see You and obey You and give You pleasure.
Please make tomorrow full of love, truth, seeing.

Sunday's ending. My last day here. It was a lovely, long, interesting morning. We took the afternoon slow, after our guests left. I took a long beauty walk.
We all rested. E left right after lunch, so I was pretty hermitty.
I'm trying not to be nervous about tomorrow, about having what I need to get my boarding pass, etc.
You are always kind to me, even when it feels like my world is shaking. You remind me You're there. Seek Your sheep. Use me in spite of myself. Increase my faith. Let me truly be a blessing! Be glorified. Show Your power.
Help us actually want this.

It's a gasping miracle, how You give us just enough.
Forgive me, I am full of violence and derision. "Raca" rattles in my temples and presses against my ribs. Show me blessing. Show me that it is not loopy handwriting on a DaySpring card, but power and action, lusty vital love, a life force.
I want that, not this contempt and negation.

I am getting old and dull. Help me play this hide-and-seek wholeheartedly, and kiss the leaves in the dewy dark and lift my arms and sing.

Thank You for Your hand over things today. Like the miraculous way I woke up to my 5:20 alarm sweetly tired, not bitterly so. Gentle, chilly rain. Leaving a love note for Mom. The train already parked. J and the twins cheerfully awaiting me. Enough time to set up. Smooth and enjoyable bookend classes. Catching the early train home. "Pilgrim's Regress". Dad taking me to the bank and to Wawa for free coffee. Pesto pasta for dinner. Prayer with Mom and Dad. A letter from Bestefar and some time to tie up loose ends. Yoga, and dancing at 11:11.
And bed.

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