Sunday, August 7, 2016

Lines from June Part 2

I have the hiccups.
Today was a nice day. You are answering prayer.
Candy and soft drinks came today, I had fun putting things away, and I had great helpers (J and B). We had staff devos/worship tonight, and that was what we needed. Also prayer (office girls) this morning.
Tomorrow feels big, again. Giving the talk, but other things, too. Help me just trust You.
That time on the swings with D, T, L, & L was wonderful. Also spinning with L & L afterward. Thank You for the benedictions W spoke of me: sensitive, considerate, team-player, things like that. Team-player, as an unusual term, sticks in my mind. Am I? I'd like to be. "A functioning cog in some great machinery serving something beyond me." (Fleet Foxes)

But I do keep thinking of the bees, and the make of the minder. He was trying to tell us. What are You trying to say?
You alone are my heart's desire 
and I long to worship You
That song is like John 3:16, or the Eiffel Tower, or the Mona Lisa.

Please help me. Flow through Mom and Dad like milk through a funnel.

Momentous tomorrow...elsewhere, for others, but no so much for me. It'll be my desperately-needed DAY OFF. Only desperately because I put in such a long day today (banking on tomorrow). ~8:30-9:30. And there's still more to do... but I made good progress. And I enjoyed almost every part. The store talk went well. The iPad snafus didn't crush us. The popcorn machine was a major stinker (took me ~2 hours to do all the steps of cleaning, making a trash batch, cleaning again, re-assembling; not counting the hour+ while it cooled) but it gave me time to talk with K. The marquee, staff shirts, menu board, Lance delivery, CBD delivery, sweeping & cleaning & mopping are accomplished in large part. I had J's help with a few things. He and F kept me company during the last half-hour of mopping/cleanup. And I shared a leftover ice cream with J and L.

Help me know how to be. I'm still picking at scars. No, that's wrong. I'm still bleeding, still haunted. I can't escape the music and the people and the stories that remind me. And I don't want to escape - they are part of me, and some of the best parts. But I need Your help not to build up false images and inner promises and dreams. Not false ones. True ones. You as the center and the starter and the goal.

Forgive me my vanity. Make me tender and true.
Thank You for delightful dreams last night. The last part I remember was swinging from a vine back and forth over the border of two countries/states, without a passport. We were risk-takers, my companion and I.
Help me be patience. Patient. Help me stop writing and turn off my brain and sleep.

Giving me Job 7 last night was pretty clever and perfect of You. Thanks for making today OK, even though I felt like the precious hours of it were wasted on my weary self.
Thanks for the nap. That helped. And it was good to write letters, and make a chore chart, sketch, and visit the old haunt. And the rest on the suspension bridge - probably my highlight. Praying. Remembering how that place has been (and still is) in my mind the epitome of peace and rest - floating down Your river, tall shadowing trees and birdsong.

Two hurting, hurting families. Pour out POUR OUT Your balm Your blood Your fire Your Spirit in each of these situations. Don't allow them to fester and grow numb and die - bring new life, use each thing intended for evil FOR GOOD; show up, and make Your Name glorious as we see love flowing pure and strong and patient, with a never, never ending supply, laughing aloud at our disbelief and flooding us with hope.
Jesus, do all this and more.
Make my spirit sharp to You, not the dead murky thing it is now. Carve out clarity and rest for me tomorrow. Thank You.

19. Father's Day/MM's 80th Birthday/Boy's Camp Day 1
You're a good good Father, it's who You are,
And I'm loved by You, it's who I am.

Bless You for a good first day. Exhausting, and rewarding, a team effort.
Take me, and tomorrow, into Your arms.
Keep my spirit alive, keep my face toward Your light. Cry "Mine" over me.

Thanks for a smooth day "on my own," so very pleasant. But I feel like I might not have ordered enough for next week - !
Please help me be at peace in You. Thank You for opening us up like shy children, reluctant flowers. Please protect every choice to trust, to obey, to love. Thanks for my only prayer request note: "I pray for a wife."

Jesus. This is a charmed life, being Yours. And being part of Your net of love, letting You use me, letting You use others to bless me and carry me. Thank You for all the people loving me and praying for me right now, when I hardly have time to think. Thank You for T visiting, and notes from S and S, and R opening up and wanting to be here.
Thank you for B sharing his Take 5 bars, and B being patient, and my great help in the store. Thanks for Bible Study together. Thanks for the Ms equipping us with air conditioning. Thanks for so many camper smiles today.
Thanks for bleeding for me. Thanks for taking all the long tiring days to get there, and for loving even from Your weariness. Thank You, Father, for hope.
I love You.

Lord, I'm such a goober. Other people are goobers, too. And You are really kind.
Thanks for a long, varied day. Thank You for helping me through the rough points, and bringing joy out of it somehow. Like sweet juice from a spiny fruit.
Thanks for making me flexible enough for all these things. I am not. You make me so. I'm not good enough, but I am. Thanks for all the affirmation You gave me, in little ways, today. For sweet prayer time. For a real, legit prayer card as well as a dumb prank one. Thanks for R saying, "I will never say no to you," and little J being suddenly cuddly. You know what I need. Thanks for J trusting me enough to just come over, and spill, and for our prayer time together.

Please help me accept Mr. J's help. Please help me not be so self-conscious or awkward around B. Please help me not be so jealous and selfish and dense.
Please help me not be so sharp-edged. I find it hilarious, absurd. But there's a bite of satire there, and a bite of bitterness too. Here I am, the humble brown hen, beside a peacock. You know the story. Help me stop sticking borrowed feathers in my tail. Help me be content, not proud and covetous. Help me wear my skin and feathers so that anyone who sees me sees You.
Thanks for helping the popcorn machine break when it did. Please guide all our patchwork tomorrow.
I love You. Man Oh Man.
Meet me here tonight, be more than I think You are.

Dear Jesus,
Highlights of this week:
The T.R.I.B.E. helping out in the store.
Counting coins for returns and talking with B.
C returning the screwdriver.
First mopping.
T's visit, times with J.
A and B and A visits!
Tomato-Basil-Provolone salad.
Whistling in harmony with R.
B borrowing my pens and then replacing them on my desk 1 per day for the next 3 days.
A telling me precisely what he was going to order each day (and then getting completely different things).
Furnishing Lurch cabin.
R warming up.
T making my fist into a TIE fighter.
Take 5 Bars from B
J being cuddly (again today)
Time to pray this morning.

Thank You for all the people who literally give blood, sweat, and tears here. Please give each of us Yourself, the very best. Quiet my heart. Restore me.

It's been a long, lovely day off. Like two days - yes, it was full, but there were restful parts. And maybe tomorrow I'll nap. I could add new highlights to the week: reading Narnia to the kids at Pinesite, having the girls sleep over, and a visit from F, H, and L. We probably had the most fun at Creekside, but we romped all over. It meant a lot to me that they came. I'm glad I also had time to garden, bleach the skull, do laundry, and read Dostoevsky. Plus write 2 letters, and call Mom and Dad.
We had a game night tonight. In Apples to Apples I was Unnatural, Unusual, Disturbing, Odd, Sensitive, and Fresh.
I am so thankful You care about my small schoolgirl wishes and prayers. About my need to be understood. You understand me. You orchestrate things beyond my imagining, and You answer my prayers.
We picked berries today. Made lemonade. Put flowers in each others' hair.
Tonight the T.R.I.B.E. is gone, and it's quiet, after a mighty giddy ruckus of running, singing, sliding, and dancing. Nail polish and hair brushing and gimp. Opera and cereal and Narnia. And 1 Cor 13.
I am so thankful for T and R.
They were meant to be here this summer.
We all were, right?
But I'm not ready for tomorrow. Make me ready.
Speak to C's heart. Help me stay connected to my darlings. And mostly, mostly, completely to You, my paragon Aragorn Paraclete bleeding heart holy Lamb of God. I close my mouth.

It's been a beautiful day, and a fun one. We decorated/vandalized M's golf cart about an hour ago. And I painted the skull this evening, and T and R and I went to WalMart.
S and J are here. Today went smoothly. N told me he traded for store duty all week. I seem to have poison ivy on my knuckle.
I'm lonelier than usual, and I'm afraid of being a lightening bug. I'm afraid of the crazed little brat inside me screaming, "ME!"
Jealousy, defensiveness, pride, insecurity... and no praise and no approval is ever enough. And I'm tired of my own morality (or lack thereof). Help me be teachable, humble and gracious, and above reproach.
I nearly blacked out blowing up balloons. A reminder of how frail and silly I am. I want to see with love again. I need to see You. To be a prayer, burning every moment, filling us both with the fragrance of communion. I don't want to do anything without You. Show me what Your heart wants. Make dry bones live.

Thank You for carrying me through this crazy, cranky day with something like victory, sweetness. Thank You for L's notebook gift and note, and that D is here, and that Mom and Dad are coming tomorrow. Thanks for great help in the store, and time to write notes tonight. And that the cut on my thumb from that silly popcorn machine isn't worse. Thanks for B FIXING that silly popcorn machine.

Feeling the love. Tonight it feels like clean sheets, sheets that don't pop off the mattress or slide along with me, sheets bought & washed & delivered by Mom and Dad tonight. I don't know who owned them before, but bless them. And bless my parents.
Bless J, S, L, B, and whoever mailed my letter from the credit union. Bless us all with Your presence, with the knowledge of Your intimate love and care, and how You enjoy us. How You love to help us flourish.
Thank You for lavender, daisies, borage, and poppies, fresh kale and spinach and oregano. Thank You for a peaceful house, J in her hammock outside, the T.R.I.B.E. on their grand adventure. T home. T... I don't know where, but please, please be near her.
Thank You for seeing us through a stressful afternoon, with joy in the process, and more spoons, and no catastrophes. Thank You for all the million gazillion perfections, gifts, and providences You wove into today - I love You. I need more days like this, the cushion (ease) of comfort worn away enough to feel, so sharply, the burning touch of love.
Needs, met.
Happy Jam Day, Merry Christmas. Hallelujah. Save us.

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