Lines from the months of this last year: May and June

2.
How come it is so easy to lose track of the story?

Be all. End all.


10.
Dear Jesus,
It's art show eve.
Make me very clear tomorrow. Something You can shine through, where no praise or snub or comparison even sticks.
Because I am nothing without You. Make me Your pure joy.


12.
Jesus. I want to be in the belly of Your great fish.


14(15).
Hearts of flesh. That is what we ask for.


15.
Today was a splendid day.
I woke up with a runny nose. And wonder of wonders, after taking some allergy meds I WENT BACK TO BED! Imagine!
Then N. and I went for a walk around Coy and Gull. Encountered a snake. Sat on the rock at Gull, talked and sang and felt such a kinship. Prayed, watching the water glitter in the sun.
A. helped me make challah. I braided her hair during the first rising, and we gave each other back massages. Her Mom came. C. wrapped books on our floor.
I practiced music with H....we played "When Mac Was Swimming."
Which was perfect.
Nobody knows, darling
Nobody knows how they are loved.


17.
Lord, You are so gracious. I could die now.

Just over a year ago You saved BF and Miss E. and J. in their car accident. THANK YOU.


21.
I've been feeling so sick - I didn't expect it to be this hard. Jesus.
I don't want the wonder to seep out...


23.
I was made to love. We come alive when loved. So drown us in our sleep,
and steep us in love.


24.
Help my unbelief. Give me the courage to give up everything.
I feel threatened, naked.
Oh, grow me steadily in this time. Increase my compassion, do not let me harden.
Make me a holy woman.


26.
How will You make Yourself known? What do You desire in this world?
What does Your kingdom look like? Let me be a (decidedly unfashionable) part of it.
Prune me some more. Help me trust You when I can't love You (Davy's poem), and Love You with all I am.




June



1(2).
Me: "J., if I had a juicy ripe peach in my hand, I'd give it to you."
J: "Why?"
Me: "Because I love you."
Mom: "And I would give you a plate."


6.
Make me a fool for You.
I am as small as ever.


9.
Help me serve,
and in serving find You, find joy, know that I am never useless to You,
and You will put me wherever You want me to be.


20.
Jesus.
You know how to form a heart with strength, vigor, bounce, and endless tenderness. Create that in me.


25.
Lord,
What has brought me to this place?
Feeling so powerless. Angry. Feeling against everything.
Knowing my own helplessness and disgusted with it, vengeful.
What else could Tamar do? He was stronger.
Help.

Later -

Holy asperges.
Thank You.


26.
Well. It must be done sometime. Why not me, now?
"For such a time as this" - to clean out the garage.
Please show me Yourself, myself, again. This world. Those gentle, gentle hands of Italy.


27.
Helped Mom clean out her closet, listening to lovely music. We found love letters from Dad; she read me three and said I could read the rest after she died. Then laughed and said maybe sooner.


29.
Prepare for the convent. Give things away.
Rely on no man. That's what I'm feeling. Jesus, You keep me awake and I'm afraid I've stopped listening. Stopped hearing Your voice. Become a shell.
Help me, I am aroused and combative but more from desperation than strength.
Oh, let this cost me everything.
I will not sacrifice what costs me
nothing.

I love You.

Lines from the months of this last year: March and April

March

1.
Everyone on the side of truth listens to You.*


I am ready.
Jesus, You, right here. And me, too.
Because You are welcoming me into something.
Really?
Then show me. And help me believe and come,
all of me, none behind.

Take charge.
Lord, I know you so little. And even though
my every atom is Yours,  I am not aware of You as I should be. Or so
near You. Or so like You. Or so believing in You.
Perhaps I made You up.

Perhaps You swallowed me whole.


*(see John 18:37)


3.
"He who is bearing others knows that he himself is being borne, and only in this strength can he go on bearing."
-Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together, 103


6.
"Sticky little leaves."

There will be enough.

You look as if you learned things from trees.
"How can I be here for you, even after everything that's gone?" I let the words roll off my tongue like any others.


9.
I was in Rome this time last year.


11.
I am glad You made me. I love living.


12.
Help me not do anything that would blunt my consciousness, my conscience. Make the world real and sharp to me.
Lure out my ant lions. Help me feel Your fingers pressed against me. Your face inclined.  That freedom, again, in taking the gift. Choosing trust. Choosing acceptance.
Believing in grace. Giving absurdly.

A warmth along my legs and in my temples gathering.
Make me just right for whatever You have for me.
I love this beauty. The man in his small schooner, "PROPHET." Watching us from the cabin window. All the colors of winter. Stark, exquisite skeletons against the snow. Dark maples. White birches. Rich, subdued pine, spruce, and fir. Variegated stones, rippled or craggy or split clean as logs. The fog cloaking the mountains, gliding through the harbor like a ghost. The shrubs and sparse undergrowth, russet and tufa yellow. Ochre. Piled buoys. Gray and cerulean.


14.
Felt pretty alive.


15.
Thank You for a lovely day.
Also, a highlight: picking up dog doo and being caught by Dr. B.


16.
Now yogurt, Bible, bed. You take such good care of me. You don't despise me. Help me care well.
H. said I have a lovely face. And they like gap teeth. Thank You for giving me such friends, Daddy.


17.
Show him how rich solid GOOD You are. Make him insatiably hungry for You. Reorder his past, his thoughts, his visions, toward Your will. Give him at least one very faithful, very trustworthy friend, to talk straight, love him.


22.
At one point, sitting side by side and drawing, she laid her hand between my shoulders and stroked my back a little, and it almost made me cry. A little reminder of how much I miss Mom, those safe, familiar, not exaggerated physical affections.
They forgot to pay me. And I literally forgot to mention it until M. was driving me back.

"But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit." (1 Cor. 6:17 NIV)


24.
Please show up again. Help me see the world full of grace and light.


25(26).
One of the best birthday parties ever.

And You. Lovely, Lovely, Lord.
Loving me with wind even when I was angry as barbed wire.


28(29). Maundy Thursday
Oh, this time last year...You were making symbols for the rest of my life. Stations of the Cross.

I feel like I failed her, in some way. Was too namby-pamby, wanting everyone to feel good, stifling my doubts, the hard truth. Did I? When is it humility, and when is it cowardice?

Please bring me closer to You now, more ready to enter into Your humility and suffering. Raise us up again.
Abby: "'This is my body, pre-sliced for your convenience."
Oh, Lord. You broke Your body for me.
Help me enter into brokenness, vulnerability, with You. Extravagance, faith, trust.
I love you, Lord.

You told me I was wild
And You loved me.



April


2.
The most important thing I can do now is be close to You.

"God our Savior...wants all men to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth."
- 1 Timothy 2:3b-4 NIV

Jesus. Lord. Is that true? Do you hate Esau? You don't show favoritism. And yet You chose people. And you harden hearts. Why? What are You doing?
Why not today?

Pollen. Each plant has its own pollen.
I want to be a poet. You are my love.
I want to write You the sort of letter You will linger over, marking the flourish of my letters, the loops and knots on the D of my Dear.


5.
Monica's love is still growing.


10.
There are so many of us, Lord.
Lord, I could die well if I knew all these, and all the others swirling in my mind & heart, would know, would come to know, You.

This is a time where I feel like cutting. Simply because nothing seems so eloquent as blood, so concrete as pain.
But You Paid.
Keep on with Your steady healing.


11.
Praise You. For this apartment, these friends. For air and light, siblings. Thunder. Not sure why I thought of that. For the already very promising Peace Like a River.

Lord, please show us Yourself in ways we can accept, see, believe.
Increase our faith. And give us daily bread, steady nourishment for training. Help me to be diligent and devoted.
Thank You for hope.


15.
Jesus, I choose contentment. I am so glad You placed me here, for this time. It is good.
You are good. You are to be fully trusted.

"Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD
who has compassion on you.
- Isaiah 54:10 NIV


16.
Make me soft and singing clay.


21.
God, we cry to You. Our arms lift to You without our trying.


25.
The cross is blooming, and so am I.
I am Yours.
I can't help feeling that the moon is a little bit mine tonight.

Swallow My Will.
I TRUST You.


28.
Keep my heart thirsty for You, looking for You,
like sleep.

Lines from the months of this last year: January and February

January

1.
Perhaps someday I will love holiness in a beautiful way. Until then, if I must love and choose it in an awkward, stilted way, so be it.

2.
Jesus. Gesu. Moshiach.
Elohim
      let these marks mean something. Not just the old words I've said before, but something that burns from paper to skin, as if You were calling me out of myself.
Show me how to touch. How to be. How to listen. How to move. Open the way for greater lessness. Humility and confidence and unashamed love. A realistic estimation of myself. A willingness to be wrong, to change.
Help me see.
                     I mean it. (I want to -)
                                 And take my things.
Let me live as if I was preparing for my birth, wedding, funeral.

5.
Thank You for this day that mattered.
Mom's kindness & love and singing hymns to me even when I felt beastly.
Kneading bread together.

7.
Renew my vision of what we could look like.

9.
She's very happy being married....not to be compared with knowing God. Nothing is better than knowing God...
She encouraged me it was good to wait, and wait for the right man. He wakes up at 4am and kneels at the foot of their bed and prays.

Mom and I prayed kneeling at my bed, after looking at photos. Dad came and put his hands on our backs.
Lord, it was a good day. And help me know how to live as Yours to do with. I mean not half there, but all there.

12.
I love Amish farmland. And I love my family. Yet I need Your help to be present here, to take nothing for granted, to live fully, fearlessly loving. Like A. talked about last night; how Americans seem so friendly and yet reluctant to form close relationships - because people leave, and it's hard to be hurt.
But everyone must leave.
"Everything Must Go!" has a ring of truth. Well, right now I want to stay right here, so long as there are things for me to do. Help me hold the world lightly.

15.
It looked like a movie; car frame visible through engulfing orange flames. Dark smoke towering into the air. A string of emergency vehicles. You were there, Lord.
And so I trust You for all this. This year.

16.
Be kind to them. Very kind and true and persistent, I pray. Open doors and windows and mouths and hearts. Keep working, I beg You. Thank You.

19/20.
Lord, how will You ever teach me to trust You? I'm a pretty tough case.
...So much pain, Jesus....Show me how to be a friend to her. But mostly, Jesus, please be her friend. Patient, constant, gentle, forgiving, kind.
Oh, kind! PLEASE! Lord, I believe You are kind. You just helped me find my watch, and You helped me find my key in the snow the other day. But You are much kinder than that. You are redemptively kind. And we need that. We need incarnation, Lord. We need to touch You. To feed on Your body. To know the depth and the lengths of the suffering You went to for us.
You are not cold.
And I am not lost. Not hipster. Not bonk. I am Your child, Your young bride.

--
Dad: "These are my expectations: Come home and be yourself."

21.
Slip Yourself into his drink.

26.
Dear Jesus,
You are a beautiful guide. But help me be a better follower. For all this tomorrow, guide, I pray. As for today, thank you. The lovely, lovely Burns night. Helping make haggis (delicious). Seeing so many good faces. Talking & catching up. Singing, reciting, listening. Eating. Had only 3 sips of whisky. Teeny ones.
It's nice to know I can make conversation - good conversation. Though sometimes I can't.

27. (Sunday)
Dear, Fair One.
Now help me rest in You these hours. I don't know what I want. But I do know I want You, at least. Help me create enough space to listen. Like on our rock this afternoon, when it grew still suddenly, even the wind, and the slanted winter sun felt warm.
Anoint our tongues.
     Feed me.
And help me feed others like Mononoke.

28.
Dear Jesus,
I love You.
I feel the great need now. The great emptiness - fullness. The thinness. Like the battle's coming closer. The battle's tomorrow, and I'm already tired, and I've already won and suffered. Or lost and acquiesced.
No.
Make a strong yes in me. Teach me the texture of words, of "I love you." Of smiles and of listening without seducing. Teach my soul to rest in you.
Help me wear the armor. To pray the things I really want to pray (bring them to You). Make me lovely. Don't give up on me. Show us how faithful You are to keep Your promises. Comfort deeply. Purify, prune, nourish. Speak.
Yes.

29.
It is almost the end of January. Thank You, Lord, for this good month. For H. asking me to pray. For good classes, and Little Women, and barefoot swinging with N. and A.
Please help me to be faithful and obedient.
Thank You for making the world.
Slow me down, Lord.




February

1.
"With the measure you use, it will be measured to you." (Luke 6:38 NIV)

2.
I feel so spent. So unready for tomorrow. But I give You myself and I trust You, and I ask You to use me. Thank You for such a beautiful apartment. And such great friends. Your closeness to me. Help me both give and hide and keep secrets.

7.
Fairest.
Thank You for naming me.
Please name me again.
I would love to make my name true.
To air these things (on kitchen cabinet doors -)
You know what this last week has been. You know my plans, my fears, my already-weariness.
But thank You for being here. For the joy and comfort and challenge of friendship.
I don't know much further. But You have been perfectly good. And I bless Your Name. Over every curse.
Jesus, Christ, Son of the Living God,
be worshipped and glorified.
Alleluia.

9. (Blizzard)
Please help me as I get so irritable and narrow. So fractious.
Help me see and love well.
Live fully in Your grace, in COURAGE.
Like staying on the swing and singing tonight when I was TERRIFIED.
You.
Glory, glory, glory. Have me.

15.
I need Your help now. I hope to go gluten-free again. And to be well. And to know myself and not hide from questions. But I am so afraid of the ugliness of navel-gazing. So come with me. And show me Your world, Your self.
I am less sure of things than I was, but I believe You are completely trustworthy. As I.G. said,
We are not single players in this. That is why there is a God. You lead us and You empower others.
Take me down from my ivory tower.
But please promise me You'll feed me Nothing but Yourself.

27.
Why not today?

Honey After Milk

Communion today was mulled wine
passed between us in a blue and white
china cup. The sleigh bells chimed,
"Look up! This is a never-again,
a just-like-always,"
an eternity. Their faces encircling me.

Knotted hands, orange
peels, soft brie
and popcorn and truffles.
Honey after milk -
that first ecstatic
memory of home, primal and dear to us
like the sun, like mother,
even when unseen.

When what is between us comes clean,
slides off in one sheet
like snow from a roof,
this is what we prayed for:
to see You.

---

We Once Imagined Life

We once imagined life
was paper bags with oil spots,
or downy nests, or the splicing
of hands.

In the space between
two pines,
under breath,
we whispered, "yours" and
"mine." The dove's breastbone,
cloven.

A clot of sap is sticking to us both,
our torn coats dusted,
nothing new under the sun,
or dewy eyed, after another
skin graft,

does it last?

Is there virtue in this cold salt
clinging to the center?

Autumn

Autumn is your best friend's wedding
           
         It is quicksand in dreams

It is the last bleeding passion
                                       
                                         until Spring.

Before I Die

Last night I asked myself what things
I'd like to do before I die.

I'd like to be bolder. Speak out to people,
encourage them. Put words to things, put pen to paper,
name what each friend means.
Name strangers. Smile on the street.
Pick up trash, be ridiculously forgiving, pray for babies
unborn. Bless my parents, be attentive
to my brothers, be consciously quiet
more often.

Sing. Only songs I believe in. Leave recordings
of my voice for someday nieces, nephews. Keep a few
things, give the rest
away.
Dress away from windows.
Dress pretty every day. Make clothes happy
to be worn, put them on like prayers,
ceremoniously.

Sacrifice my pride and laugh a little at myself,
more often. Be a klutz,
clean up after myself,
and after others.
Take showers, finally take care of my toenails. Wear no makeup,

but smell like herbs and spices. Bake 

double batches to give away, 

make extras for the freezer.

Read poems every day. Note the headlines, cut the fluff, only watch youtube 

for double-rainbow moments.

Own my issues. Tell it straight. Say the things (I think) maybe only I

struggle with. Ask questions. Be that nerd.

Write friends' names 

in my favorite books. 

Look for lonely people. Leave anonymous bouquets.

Trace my family's faces. Make smaller 

paintings. Print the photos, finally.

Listen to advice. Embrace silence. Sweat hard,

sleep early. Sleep out under the sky. Look into eyes.

Go barefoot.